For Christmas and the New Year

Just a very short post to wish all my readers a very happy holiday season and a wonderful new year.

For me, 2013 has been bittersweet. This year has given us many good moments but it has also brought many challenges for MOH (My Other Half) and I. Life will insist on throwing curve balls and yet we somehow managed to keep catching them, throwing them back and still be in the game. While we may be a bit weary, we are still definitely playing and playing to win.

MOH always tells me that I have a "laser-like focus" and once I decide to do something, I give it my all. I hope so because I know there are a few more curve balls ahead and I want to be able to go the distance. I also want to have some fun in this game - to keep seeing the good in life, to continually feel grateful for what we already have and to simply enjoy ourselves. For me this is about doing more things not just because I have to or I should, but simply because I want to and I can. On that note (no pun intended), I have decided to take up singing lessons. I'm not doing it because I aspire to be an opera singer or pop star (though if it did lead to a regular gig with a band in some jazz lounge it would be great). I'm doing it because I know it's something that will make me happy. I have come to see that despite doing everything we're 'supposed' to and following the 'rule book', life can still throw you for a loop and turn you upside down. So to hell with it all! I've wasted far too much time on "should haves", "could haves", feeling guilty, being sad and having regrets. I want MOH and I to do things and have experiences that bring us joy and contentment, no matter how big or small. These are what will see us through the dark times and remind us of how blessed we are.

Here's to a brand new year and a fresh start. Wishing you all a truly happy 2014!

"Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it's unbelievable..." 
Matilda, Roald Dahl

A Defining Moment

We will all go through defining moment in our lives. You know the ones which make such an impression on us, cause us to hold a mirror to ourselves, make us stop and reflect, and shape who we are. I had another one of those moments when I recently lost a family member.

We had a complicated, complex relationship. While there was a lot of good, it definitely wasn't always easy. But this didn't change the fact that we were still family. Their death caused me to think about all the things I could or should have said or done, question what I did do and regret what I didn't. It also made me want to run. To actually put on my sneakers and run because I craved normality and wanted to do something so mundane and routine. To also run away because I wanted to escape the shock and sadness. But most of all, escape from the guilt and shame as I questioned whether I gave the best that I possibly could have to that relationship and whether I could have done more.

It has been a really, really difficult time. Trying to come to terms with this, along with navigating my way through our ongoing battle with infertility, has caused me to finally fall apart in the most spectacular fashion. Once again I find myself wondering if I have it in me to get through it. To eventually work through the quagmire of emotions it has stirred up. To be able come out on the other side relatively intact and not carry the emotional baggage around for the rest of my life. To have closure, even when I feel like there is still so much left unfinished. To accept that my loved one is truly at peace. To one day believe with all my heart that he is at peace with me.

Then I remember it isn't just me (going through this) and this isn't about me. But death has a funny way of making those of us who are still alive take a good, long hard look at ourselves. It forces us to take stock of who we are as people. It causes us to evaluate our own lives. It makes us realise or reinforce what and who is really important. 

It can also strengthen our desire to live our lives to the best of our ability and give the best of ourselves to those important others. Life is too short and too precious to do otherwise. Besides that's all we can really do. Just do the best we can and be the best that we can. Hopefully I can keep reminding myself that it's good enough and forgive for what I believe wasn't.

Labels

And no, I'm not talking about the Dymo labels kind. Though the labels I'm talking about also have the tendency to stick. The labels I'm referring to are those that others give us. Some labels you never ask for like being "detailed'. I'm actually just thorough (there's a difference) and would prefer it if you gave me an executive summary, ideally in five bullet points or less. While others somehow become part of your identity like a self-fulfilling prophecy such as "serious" or "proper". Just because I can be and I'm mindful of my manners, doesn't mean that I don't have a wicked sense of humour or that I can't swear like a trooper (if the occasion calls for it).

Then there are the labels that we give ourselves. These are sometimes the most difficult to peel off and throw away. Here's a simple example. Just recently, I participated in a nine kilometre fun run for the second time. I used to be that plump little kid who turned my nose up at any form of physical activity, primarily because I was the one who puffed my way through a 100 metre sprint and wheezed after swimming a lap of a fifty metre pool (actually the wheezing probably started after I swam five metres). I never thought of myself as someone who runs, let alone someone who runs nine kilometres, let alone someone who now needs to run for my health, fitness, sanity and enjoyment. Despite all that, it has taken a while to shake that 'plump little kid' label and come to the realisation that things have changed.

So who am I now and what labels do I associate myself with? I look in the mirror and see a completely different person. I am:

• A wife who thinks the world of her husband;
• A committed family member;
• A loyal friend;
• A working professional who is no longer so obsessed with her career;
• An aspiring writer;
• An avid traveller;
• A food fanatic;
• A coffee snob;
• A clothes-horse (I could probably stock a dress shop);
• A germaphobe (never go far without my trusty anti-bacterial wipes); 
• An accident prone person who can wreak havoc in a single bound;
• A wannabe singer (even if I'm no good at it);
• A recovering perfectionist; and 
• A runner. 

I am not ashamed of any of these and proud to be all these things. As the years go by, I look forward to adding some new ones and perhaps changing a few. 

About that nine kilometre run, I actually beat my time from last year. While I am incredibly pleased by that, there's a part of me that wishes I did even better. Well I did say I was a recovering perfectionist. Some labels still find a way to stick...

The One I Thought I Wouldn't Write About Again

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 5)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

I didn't mean to open the door and write about this topic again. I tried to write about other things, but always ran of steam halfway through. I'm someone who draws inspiration from real life and what is going on around me, and at the moment this is what's dominating my world. Again. 

We've recommenced our journey to turn a UFE to a FE. How do I feel? Numb and indifferent. I see what we're currently doing as purely a mechanical process - just a tick in the box so we can say we did everything we could and look back with no regrets. I have no hope or expectations about what the outcome may be (I'm not being a pessimist, I'm just trying to be realistic given our odds). Oh and I'm tired. Just so incredibly tired.

For a brief period this year we took a break and put this on the back burner. In that time I got to experience what it was like to once again be just me and just us, and it was just great. As I've said before, it reminded me that there is a life outside this, there is a me without this and there is an us besides this.

As we start it all up again, exhaustion hits me like a tonne of bricks. While we haven't been on this journey and battling away for as long as some or experienced the kind of loss as others, I still feel wiped out. It seems that we went from zero to a hundred in warp speed. So for me, the physical, mental and emotional toll hasn't been any less. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of having to do it. I am tired of organising our lives around it. I am tired of having to live it. I have come close to saying that I'm done.

Now when people wish us luck and say their thoughts are with us, I merely think "thanks". When people tell us to keep faith, be strong and not give up, I shrug and think "sure". When people assure us it will all work out and it is all worth it, I actually think "whatever". How sad is it that I cannot muster any passion for this journey or even for the end game anymore? I'm sure it's part self-preservation - the less invested I am in this, the less of a fallout there will be (the last time was almost too much to bear). In truth, the only thing that I am absolutely passionate about at the moment is that I do not want us to go through this - the process and the aftermath - again.

But here we are, doing it all again anyway. We do it because we're not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Because in spite of everything, we still choose to have a child. Because of that, ironically it means we have no choice. Because unfortunately, no one else can do it for us. Because we are adults. Because part of being an adult means making tough decisions and doing things you don't really want to do. Because being an adult also means realising that experiencing pain is just a natural part of life and learning to accept that. Though between you and me, being an adult sure does suck sometimes. Finally, we do it because we have to keep believing there is a glass that is half full somewhere out there, wherever this particular journey takes us.

My Brand New Eyes

Last month I got to see the world with new eyes. Literally. All thanks to modern technology in the form of laser eye surgery. I cannot even begin to describe the sheer wonder of opening my eyes in the morning and being able to see crystal clear images. For someone who's been living blind for over twenty years, it's been absolutely life-changing.

Actually I feel that I've been looking at the world through new eyes for a little while now, figuratively speaking. If there is a silver lining to our issues with infertility, it's that. I appreciate everyone and everything even more. I find myself saying 'yes' more than 'no'. I think it's amazing that I have the opportunity to do the things that I do professionally and personally. All this has enabled me to put things into perspective, to be more open, to have more fun, to let go, to be genuinely content and to hold firm to the belief that despite any challenge that may come my way, life is still pretty good.

My brand new eyes have also enabled me to see something else about myself. I've discovered that I am not a woman who regards motherhood as the pinnacle of my existence and my main purpose in this world. Instead, I am a woman who feels that children would enhance my life - no doubt make it infinitely better, but not necessarily be my life. Kinda like the icing on an already great cake. For those of you who are now regarding me rather unfavourably because of what I've just told you (and I'm well aware some of you are), you're certainly entitled to your opinion. But quite frankly, you're in no position to judge until you walk even a single step in my shoes. In all honesty, I am incredibly relieved that I feel this way. If I didn't I would be undergoing some serious therapy, and my marriage and my entire life would be an absolute mess. As it is I can see that if I could never have children, I would be utterly devastated. However, I also can see myself eventually picking up the pieces and being able to go on with my life . . . and I truly believe it would still be a happy one. This is because I see that there are so many other wonderful people and things in this world that I already have, and so many others still to be explored, experienced and enjoyed. Perhaps I may not get a chance to have some, but I'm sure as hell going to make the most of everything else that comes my way. As someone once said, "the way we experience life often has more to do with how we see the world around us".

This is what I mean about looking at the world with new eyes. It's definitely not about wearing rose-coloured glasses. I can see that it is about making a conscious choice. A choice to allow yourself to see the good in this world. A choice to grab every opportunity and make it happen (I'm a realist - good things don't 'just happen' unless you're prepared to put yourself out there and work for them). A choice to enjoy it thoroughly when it blesses your life. A choice to believe that it will happen again. After all, who wants to live a life forever seeing a glass that is half empty? You'd always be riddled with fear, doubt and discontent. I can't think of anything more miserable than continually looking at the world through that cloudy lens and living that kind of 'half life'. 

So here's to waking up every morning with 20/20 vision (yippee). . .
. . . to being able to clearly see a glass that is half full. . .

. . . and to always seeing what's already right there.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." 

Marcel Proust

A Few of My Favourite Things

I was reading the lifestyle and entertainment magazine that accompanies our weekend newspaper. The last item in this magazine always features a famous person sharing a list of things they cannot live without and why. It got me thinking - what would be my list of favourite things? I should also explain that when I say "things", I am referring to inanimate objects. People - family and friends - go without saying.

In no particular order, here are my top ten favourite things:

1. Photographs 

Visual record of our memories and experiences, capturing those precious moments in time. 

2. Passport 

I have traveled since I was a child and it's just simply part of my DNA.

3. Books 

These are truly like old friends - interesting, emotional, funny, familiar, comforting and treasured.

4. Food 

My other love. I live to eat.

5. Exercise

Technically an activity, but I do use things to do it. It's my routine, my challenge, my stress-buster and my achievement. I also do it so I can indulge in my other love (see previous item). I like to think of it as maintaining equilibrium :)

6. Beauty Products

I am unashamed to say that I like having moisturiser, make-up and a hairdryer in my life. Why is wanting to look your best sometimes considered to be "high maintenance"? Looking good (in whatever way you define this) is something you do for yourself because you believe you're worth it.

7. iProducts

This is all about connections for me. My iPhone, iPad and MacBook help keep me connected whether it's for work or for play.

8. Music

It makes my spirit soar. I will (and often do) sing out loud and dance like no one's watching. 

9. Wardrobe

There's nothing like a gorgeous dress paired with great heels to make you feel feminine, sexy and simply fabulous.

10. Engagement and Wedding Rings

Represent something that is one of a kind, even more valuable and absolutely priceless.

What about you? What are the things that you simply cannot live without and would make the cut on your list of favourite things?

Everywoman

March 8 was International Women's Day. This day is about celebrating achievements of women all over the world. It is a reminder of all the women, in our past and present, who have made a difference to the economic, political and social landscape of our society. There are:

The leaders: Catherine the Great, Queen Elizabeth I, Margaret Thatcher and Benazir Bhutto

The glass ceiling breakers: Marissa Mayer and Gail Kelly

The trailblazers: Valentina Tereshkova and Amelia Earhart

The game changers: Rosa Parks, Aung San Suu Kyi and Germaine Greer

The pioneers: Maria Montessori and Dr Fiona Wood

The inspirational: Mother Theresa, Dr. Catherine Hamlin and Helen Keller

The influencers: Eleanor Roosevelt and Michelle Obama

The gifted: Jane Austen, Emily Dickinson and Billie Holiday

The sporting greats: Billie Jean King, Dawn Fraser and Serena Williams

The icons: Coco Chanel and Princess Diana

The pop culture phenomenons: Oprah Winfrey, Madonna and Beyonce

Each of these women, and many more like them, have made an enormous contribution to our society and have made our world a better place. They are very impressive role models and I am in awe of them. I find them absolutely inspirational, motivating and sometimes, a little bit daunting. Yes, daunting. At times, their lofty achievements make me wonder what kind of impact an everyday woman such as myself can have.

Then I remember all the other, not so famous women who do make a difference everyday to the lives of those around them. These women are all around us. They are our partners, mothers, daughters, sisters, grandmothers, nieces, cousins, friends and work colleagues. It brings to mind the words of Anne Theriault who wrote that we should "assume that those who love you find some kind of value in you and the things you do".*

International Women's Day is truly about celebrating the contribution of all women, no matter how big or small. Because as I've said before, what we do is enough and we are enough, and no one (including ourselves) should tell us otherwise.** With that, I shall leave you with the words of Pink. Yes she is just a mere pop star, but she is also a wife, mother, daughter and working woman:

"Beautiful has never been my goal. Joy is my goal - to feel healthy and strong and powerful and useful and engaged and intelligent and in love" 

* From "15 Assumptions You Should Make Today", http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-theriault-/15-assumptions-you-should-make-today_b_2946165.html

** From mishmashes blog article "Sisterhood", published June 2012 (see blog archive)

A Mishmash of Mish-ues

Some things always seem to happen to me. If there is something that can be broken, tripped over, spilt, crashed and bumped into then I'll somehow find it and break it, trip over it, spill it, crash it and bump into it. Alas, grace and elegance are not part of my makeup. It's gotten so bad that MOH (My Other Half) has taken to calling me "Trouble" (as in "here comes trouble") and "Calamity Jane" (apparently these are said with the utmost affection).  Here are just some of the issues, or should I say mish-ues, that have earned me these monikers.

* Flooding our kitchen and laundry before a party.

* Going on holidays with friends to a tropical island and single-handedly draining the entire water tank of the beach house we shared, leaving no water for anyone on Christmas Eve. Hey, at least everyone's beach towels were clean! Two years on and no one has let me forget it. 

* Accidentally sending a cheeky text message meant for MOH to someone else twice  - two separate occasions to two completely different people. I was absolutely mortified and I am still blushing.

* Wedging our car between our gate and brick wall. I like to think of the subsequent scratches and gashes as 'character lines'. This is why I refuse to drive a large car. I would be a WMD (weapon of mass destruction) on the road. 

* Losing my shoe while crossing the road and watching helplessly as cars run over it.

* Forgetting to pack my work shoes and having to wear tiger print ballet flats to a meeting with the Managing Director of a client. That was definitely a highlight in my professional career.

* Breaking the washing machine in the house I shared with work colleagues while we worked on a project inter-state so none of them could do any washing. To add insult to injury, my washing was all done.

* Walking around work all day with my fly undone. Seriously, could someone just have told me???

* Dropping my security id in the toilet located in the senior executive floor of the company I worked for at the time. I had no choice but to retrieved it. It had my picture on it, and if I literally 'flushed away' the evidence and it blocked the toilets everyone would know it was me. 

* Trying to impress at a function and walked in - no, strutted in - with confidence, only to slip on the hardwood floor and stack it in a spectacular fashion in front of everyone. At least no one can I say I didn't leave some kind of impression.

* Sitting on the wrong seat on the plane (was looking at my ticket from the previous flight) and arguing with the person who's seat it actually is. Sadly, I have done this a couple of times. In my defence, I was extremely tired and was not firing on all cylinders (clearly).

* Having the bags from the plane's overhead locker fall on my head when I opened it. Must be karma for that seat thing (see previous point).

* Running like a mad woman through the airport because I was late, only to find that I tried to board a plane at the wrong gate.

* Literally running into a tow bar. I did wonder if this could be classified as a 'running injury' (which would make it kinda cool). 

* Forgetting to take my mobile phone out of a pocket and causing it to endure an entire cycle in the washing machine. I took it to our mobile phone provider in the vain hope of having it repaired. Needless to say, it couldn't be saved as apparently it was full of water. Really? No idea how that happened...

* Failing to put the lid back on the blender when whipping up homemade pumpkin soup. We found scraps of pumpkin soup everywhere for days and days and days...

* Forgetting about the pot of pumpkin soup left of the stovetop to boil only to find it had literally exploded all over the kitchen. I really don't think I should be making pumpkin soup anymore.

* Constantly finding bruises on my leg with absolutely no idea how they got there. For some reason, they only appear on my left leg. Puzzling.

* Losing parking lot tickets and having to sweet talk my way out of the parking lot without having to pay the fee. Even I am at a loss to explain how one can lose these. The time between entering the parking lot, collecting the ticket from the dispenser and parking the car isn't that long. Plus the car isn't that big.

* Stepping on a dead rat lying on our driveway in plain sight. In. Plain. Sight. My powers of observation are breathtaking.

* Having a bird fly overhead in a crowded place and poop right in my eye. It didn't poop on anyone else. It didn't even poop on any other part of my body. It did it in my eye. Kudos to you, bird. Great aim.

* Spilling Superglue on our lounge and frantically trying to wipe it off with my hand, thereby managing to glue my fingers together. Smart. Real smart.

These are just some of my more memorable 'mish-ues'. There have been others. I can't tell you how many times coffee beans have wound up on the floor, groceries have inexplicably broken through their bags and inanimate objects have been rammed into. 

If past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour, I'm sure there'll be plenty more mish-ues to come. MOH just sighs and braces himself for the inevitable onslaught. Family and friends just shake their heads in disbelief. I am just hoping that I don't wreak too much havoc and unleash my 'powers' on too many innocent people. Be alert. I may be coming to a place near you.

My Other Love

This Valentine's Day I thought it would be appropriate to share my thoughts about my other love. It is a love that cannot be ignored nor denied and one that has been around long before MOH (My Other Half). It has brought me much joy and contentment, and so it deserves to be recognised. I am, of course, referring to my undying love of food.

I love all types of food - healthy food and the ones that fall into the 'sometimes food' bucket. Chocolate and gelati make me swoon (as my very wise sister once said, sugar is just granulated happiness). But I am just as enamoured with fresh fruit and seafood. I can rave about cheesecake in one breath and extol the virtues of quinoa in the next. I am just as happy with a cheap and cheerful, authentic yum cha meal from Chinatown as I am with a horrendously expensive dinner from an award-winning restaurant. In short, I am a self-confessed food tart - easily pleased and will go with anything as long as it tastes good. Mmmm...tart...but I'm getting distracted...

I am that person who unashamedly takes photos of food even if I am in a classy restaurant. Hey, it's a compliment if I think the dish is a work of art that deserves to be captured for all time! These days planning for a holiday includes doing meticulous research on all the good food places and drawing up a schedule, which ensures we visit them all. Once I ran out of days to eat in all the places I wanted to. According to MOH, that was not a good enough business case to extend our trip (party pooper). Even my Facebook account has been roped in, becoming my personal food album and record of all my food adventures. A little while ago some friends and I were discussing the reasons why people post a status on Facebook. I said that I tend to post when I'm happy or excited. Someone then pointed out that seemed to involve food and lots of it. Enough said. 

For me, food has always been associated with good times - from childhood memories of decadent Christmas feasts, the intimate dinners with MOH, the confidences shared over glasses of wine, to the laughs had over coffee and a sweet, sticky pastry. I am surrounded by fellow foodies, with no less than three chefs in my immediate family and friends who appreciate great food just as much as I do. I have grown up on the principle that the act of giving and sharing food is about opening one's heart and home to others. Perhaps these are reasons why I love food so much - it has always been a part of being with the people who I love and cherish the most.

Finally for those of you who think I am advocating an unhealthy lifestyle, I can assure you that I am not. Quite frankly, those diets like no carbs after 3.00pm (I'm pretty sure that our bodies cannot tell time) or being a fruitarian (I mean seriously???) are the crazy ones. The fact is I generally eat pretty well, exercise regularly and care about my fitness. To me this means I can have my cake and eat it too. Every. Single. Last. Crumb.

Over the years I have had my fair share of food and body hang-ups, and I am heartily sick of it. I think I have simply become an advocate of learning to let go of the shame and guilt we sometimes associate with food, and finding the right balance. Now I'm not saying that my mindset is quite there yet every time. But when it is, it works and works well. Food is no longer labelled as 'good' or 'bad'. I mean honestly, since when did it become such a moral conundrum? I can see food for what it is. To paraphrase the words of American chef, Giada De Laurentiis, food is nourishment for the body and for the soul when it brings people together, and is shared with family and friends. Now that is "truly love".

Love with a passion, do things wholeheartedly and enjoy yourself. As I have said before, life is far too short to live in a constant state of deprivation :)

Wishing you all a wonderful Valentine's Day celebrating everyone and everything you love!

On being a Grown Up

During the recent American elections, I watched an interview with President, Barack Obama, and First Lady, Michelle Obama. President Obama's charisma, charm, wit and intelligence is well known. But I found myself in awe of Michelle Obama. She is equally charismatic, charming, witty and intelligent. Not to mention she's a strong, confident, career-oriented and independent woman, who is also a very loving wife and mother. I found myself saying "when I grow up, I want to be just like her". Hang on a minute, aren't I already a grown up? I'm certainly old enough to be classified as one. But then again, being older isn't just about a number (or two). 

As another birthday has come to pass and another year rolls around, I began to reflect on what being a grown up really means. When did I start to think myself as one? Here are just some of the moments in my life that signalled that I was growing up, and well and truly stepped into the adult world.

When I could accept that life does not always go according to my meticulously crafted plan. 

When I realised that it really won't be the end of the world.

When I realised that there was much more - so, so, much more - to life than my career. 

When I pricked up courage to be imperfect and discovered that I didn't mind if people caught a glimpse of the real, real me - warts and all. 

When I learnt that relationships can change and some don't stand the test of time. 

When I finally understood that the body I had in my twenties was never coming back. 

When I realised that not everyone will always like me (and that's perfectly okay).

When I began to care - really care - about what happens in the wider world.

When I knew that I will never tire of travelling and exploring this wonderful world of ours. 

When I came to appreciate how lovely red wine and a muscat can be. 

On the flip side, when I discovered that champagne and cocktails (lots of them) are not a good mix. 

Following on from that, when I learnt that one is never too old to get a hangover. The difference is that it takes more time to recover from it (think days).

And following on from that, when I found that I can get through an 8.00am meeting even if the room and everyone else in it appears to be spinning...and spinning...and spinning...

When I began hosting dinner parties that didn't involve takeaway pizza, but involved fine china, cloth napkins and a cheese platter. 

When I could see quite a few not-so-fine lines around my eyes when I smiled. Call me vain, but this was a moment of truth.

When anti-ageing beauty products became a necessity, not a luxury. 

When there are times that the need for comfort far outweighs the desire for style. 

When I became such a stickler for courtesy and manners. Say "please", make an effort to thank people if they have given you a gift, hold out your hand and introduce yourself to others, call or send a message if you are going to be late and RSVP on time (that date is there for a reason)! Oh god, I think I've just turned into my mother...

When I got married to MOH (My Other Half). It was no longer just about me or just about him, it became about us and the life that we create together.

When we got a mortgage. 

When I became obsessed with homeware.

When sometimes, staying at home is a great Saturday night. 

When I started valuing quality over quantity.

When I learnt that things don't 'just happen'. If you want something, you need to be prepared to put yourself out there to achieve it and work for it. 

When I came to understand my strengths and weaknesses, and began to learn how to play to my strengths. 

When I stopped pretending to be interested in and stopped doing things because I thought I should e.g. reading "The Financial Review". I mean seriously, who was I kidding?

When I learnt that life can sometimes be tough, scary and seem unfair. But it's what you choose to do in these situations that determines the kind of person you are and the kind of life that you lead.

When I understood that there are times I need to just grit my teeth and carry on, even when all I want to do is to throw a tantrum or hide in a corner (see previous point).

When I learnt that I am much more resilient than I thought (see previous two points).

When I realised I could hold my own (see previous three points).

When I started learning the art of letting go, and really made an effort to try and stop sweating the small stuff (something I credit MOH for helping me do).

When I learnt to practice gratitude and was thankful for everyone and everything wonderful in my life, and not simply take these for granted.

When I came to see that it doesn't matter how full my life is, there is always time for family and friends. Those who say that there isn't and/or don't make the effort have screwed up priorities. 

When I could laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously. 

When I still had dreams (enter my dream of being a writer).

When I could still unashamedly dance around and sing to my favourite song at the top of my lungs because I want to and because I can.

When I realised I was lucky enough to have so many choices and had the freedom to choose.

When I was able to stop chasing the 'next thing', and have had times where I just focussed on living in the moment and being content with what I had now.

When I stopped trying to please everyone, understood my boundaries, got better at honouring myself, and learnt to say a very firm, but kind, "no".  

And because of that, when I started to value myself and learnt that living a happy life is not always about making decisions based on duty, obligation, finances, rules or expectations.

As I look back on this past year, I know that I may have aged and I may have matured but I still have a lot of learning to do. I want more from myself and more from this life. And while it would be great to morph into a Michelle Obama, when I grow up, I think I'll just settle for being a better version of myself - a better wife, family member, friend, colleague and person. That is my hope for the new year. 

Happy 2013!