Friday, 1 March 2013

A Mishmash of Mish-ues

Some things always seem to happen to me. If there is something that can be broken, tripped over, spilt, crashed and bumped into then I'll somehow find it and break it, trip over it, spill it, crash it and bump into it. Alas, grace and elegance are not part of my makeup. It's gotten so bad that MOH (My Other Half) has taken to calling me "Trouble" (as in "here comes trouble") and "Calamity Jane" (apparently these are said with the utmost affection).  Here are just some of the issues, or should I say mish-ues, that have earned me these monikers.

* Flooding our kitchen and laundry before a party.

* Going on holidays with friends to a tropical island and single-handedly draining the entire water tank of the beach house we shared, leaving no water for anyone on Christmas Eve. Hey, at least everyone's beach towels were clean! Two years on and no one has let me forget it. 

* Accidentally sending a cheeky text message meant for MOH to someone else twice  - two separate occasions to two completely different people. I was absolutely mortified and I am still blushing.

* Wedging our car between our gate and brick wall. I like to think of the subsequent scratches and gashes as 'character lines'. This is why I refuse to drive a large car. I would be a WMD (weapon of mass destruction) on the road. 

* Losing my shoe while crossing the road and watching helplessly as cars run over it.

* Forgetting to pack my work shoes and having to wear tiger print ballet flats to a meeting with the Managing Director of a client. That was definitely a highlight in my professional career.

* Breaking the washing machine in the house I shared with work colleagues while we worked on a project inter-state so none of them could do any washing. To add insult to injury, my washing was all done.

* Walking around work all day with my fly undone. Seriously, could someone just have told me???

* Dropping my security id in the toilet located in the senior executive floor of the company I worked for at the time. I had no choice but to retrieved it. It had my picture on it, and if I literally 'flushed away' the evidence and it blocked the toilets everyone would know it was me. 

* Trying to impress at a function and walked in - no, strutted in - with confidence, only to slip on the hardwood floor and stack it in a spectacular fashion in front of everyone. At least no one can I say I didn't leave some kind of impression.

* Sitting on the wrong seat on the plane (was looking at my ticket from the previous flight) and arguing with the person who's seat it actually is. Sadly, I have done this a couple of times. In my defence, I was extremely tired and was not firing on all cylinders (clearly).

* Having the bags from the plane's overhead locker fall on my head when I opened it. Must be karma for that seat thing (see previous point).

* Running like a mad woman through the airport because I was late, only to find that I tried to board a plane at the wrong gate.

* Literally running into a tow bar. I did wonder if this could be classified as a 'running injury' (which would make it kinda cool). 

* Forgetting to take my mobile phone out of a pocket and causing it to endure an entire cycle in the washing machine. I took it to our mobile phone provider in the vain hope of having it repaired. Needless to say, it couldn't be saved as apparently it was full of water. Really? No idea how that happened...

* Failing to put the lid back on the blender when whipping up homemade pumpkin soup. We found scraps of pumpkin soup everywhere for days and days and days...

* Forgetting about the pot of pumpkin soup left of the stovetop to boil only to find it had literally exploded all over the kitchen. I really don't think I should be making pumpkin soup anymore.

* Constantly finding bruises on my leg with absolutely no idea how they got there. For some reason, they only appear on my left leg. Puzzling.

* Losing parking lot tickets and having to sweet talk my way out of the parking lot without having to pay the fee. Even I am at a loss to explain how one can lose these. The time between entering the parking lot, collecting the ticket from the dispenser and parking the car isn't that long. Plus the car isn't that big.

* Stepping on a dead rat lying on our driveway in plain sight. In. Plain. Sight. My powers of observation are breathtaking.

* Having a bird fly overhead in a crowded place and poop right in my eye. It didn't poop on anyone else. It didn't even poop on any other part of my body. It did it in my eye. Kudos to you, bird. Great aim.

* Spilling Superglue on our lounge and frantically trying to wipe it off with my hand, thereby managing to glue my fingers together. Smart. Real smart.

These are just some of my more memorable 'mish-ues'. There have been others. I can't tell you how many times coffee beans have wound up on the floor, groceries have inexplicably broken through their bags and inanimate objects have been rammed into. 

If past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour, I'm sure there'll be plenty more mish-ues to come. MOH just sighs and braces himself for the inevitable onslaught. Family and friends just shake their heads in disbelief. I am just hoping that I don't wreak too much havoc and unleash my 'powers' on too many innocent people. Be alert. I may be coming to a place near you.

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