Saturday 1 December 2012

Christmas Cheer or Christmas Fear?

Christmas is meant to be a magical time. One that is filled with love and laughter, and feelings of peace and hope. But this is not always the case. There are times when the lead up to Christmas can be filled with trepidation, and the day itself is one dominated by stress and anxiety. In these instances, Christmas is often a logistical nightmare from shopping for those perfect gifts to trying to be in two, three or even four places in one day to supposedly spend quality time with family and friends. Not to mention the times when we secretly do not even want to be at these events because they are fraught with drama and tension. For some reason, there are people who chose to rehash every family squabble and expose even more skeletons in the closet during these 'happy' occasions. A few nuts in the family chocolate box and a healthy dose of alcohol is a potent mix. Even I, a staunch supporter of all things Christmas, have to admit that my most peaceful Christmas days have been when MOH (My Other Half) and I were away, and we spent it by ourselves.

Have we well and truly lost the magic of Christmas? When did it simply become an exercise in aligning everyone's schedules, battling for parking in the shopping centre and inwardly groaning as we fulfil our obligations? If you are currently heaving a great big sighs over this Christmas 'burden', spare a thought for those who regard this holiday as the loneliest time of the year because they do not have family and friends to spend it with, for those who do not have anything to eat let alone have any money to buy gifts, and for those who see it as just another day in their struggle to simply survive.

How can we have forgotten that Christmas is about spending time with those you love the most? That it is not about the price tag of the gift, but it is really about the thought that counts? That it is a time that we have free rein to eat, drink and be merry? That it is a time to remind ourselves of how truly blessed we are?

Our last two Christmases away enabled MOH and I to put things into perspective, and rediscover the joy that this time can bring. And guess what? The world didn't fall apart because we were not present at the various gatherings and we handed our gifts out late.

This year we are determined to enjoy our Christmas. This means letting go of that pesky guilt and sense of duty, and choosing how we want to spend this time and who we spend it with. This way we hope to share a happy festive season with our family and friends, and have fun (even with those odd nuts).

May you find the magic of Christmas this year. Season's Greetings!


Thursday 1 November 2012

For White Ribbon Day


November 25 is "White Ribbon Day". This is a campaign designed to raise awareness about the issue of violence against women. As this day draws near, it made me think about all the women out there who have had to live with violence, and fight for basic rights and opportunities that the rest of us take for granted. Recently, the world was outraged by the shooting of young Pakistani girl, Malala Yousufzai. This brave teenager was shot by Taliban gunmen because she is a strong advocate and vocal supporter of education for girls and women's rights in her country. Our own country mourned the tragic death of Jill Meagher, who was abducted and murdered literally metres away from her home. However there is another story that I'd like to draw from because to me it is an example of how violence can touch any woman regardless of race, age, religion, profession and socio-economic status. This story is about pop singers, Rihanna and Chris Brown. Bear with me here. I promise this isn't just a bit of fluff.

Rihanna and Chris Brown are reportedly back together. For those of you who don't read gossip magazines or the entertainment section of the news, they broke up because he hit her. Literally beat her black and blue is probably the most accurate way of describing what happened. They split, and she enjoyed seemingly endless holidays and moved on with her career. He did community service for his crime and then proceeded to pump out a hit record. As time passed it became clear that a large number of people in this world 'forgave' him (why else would people be willing to buy his music and shower him with awards). Now apparently, so has she. 

I am shocked that this woman who has youth, beauty and talent on her side not to mention the wealth, opportunity and freedom to choose a different path, has chosen this. She should know better. She has the means to do better. She is able to be better. Sadly, it seems that even her privileged position does not protect her from the same struggle other women face when trying to break free from abusive relationships. Even her father has publicly given this man (and I use that term very loosely when describing Chris Brown) his blessing and voiced his support for their relationship. Disturbing to say the least.

Yes, I know that I am passing judgment on people I don't even know and who live in a completely different world. I realise that I cannot even begin to comprehend all the thoughts, feelings and actions related to their particular situation. Yet somehow the justifications of "you don't know me", "you don't know him" and "you don't know us" just don't cut it with me. Sure people can change. But this kind of change takes a long time and a whole lot of hard work. We are all aware of the statistics and heard of real-life stories associated with domestic violence. Not to mention the untold damage and the emotional scars that linger long after the physical ones disappear. The fact is human nature is actually quite predictable and past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. So forgive me for being highly skeptical and appalled about all this (should the story about their reconciliation be true).

I certainly do not make any apologies for passing judgment on all those who buy his music, extol his virtues and continue to excuse his utterly repugnant behaviour. Or at those so called news 'reporters' and social commentators who write/speak about these two getting back together as if it is just another piece of celebrity gossip, dismissing the reality of the situation and ignoring the big, fat, ugly elephant in the room. I can excuse her judgement and behaviour because as the victim, she has obviously been through the wringer - physically,  emotionally and mentally. But what excuse do all these other people have? 

Here is a woman who seems to believe that following her heart is simply enough. I wish her luck. I pray for her safety. I hope that I am proven wrong. 

Every woman deserves so much more. Every woman is entitled to be treated with dignity and respect. May we - whether we are a man or a woman - never, ever forget this. 

Monday 1 October 2012

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 4)

Definitions:
UFE = Unfertilised Egg
FE = Fertilised Egg

Well here we are. Standing at the crossroads. Unsure of where each path may take us. Afraid to take the next turn.

Someone described it as an "invisible loss". You cannot see it, touch it or hear it, but the overwhelming grief, pain and sadness is there. 
How do you even begin to explain to people what it feels like to:

Fear that you may never have a child who looks just like you or has inherited your unique quirks and mannerisms.

Lose faith and hope.

Find that you are one of those statistics.

Have moments where you are overcome with sadness.

Cry when you least expect it.

See your partner reduced to tears.

Still have days where you have to force yourself to do the simplest things because you lack the motivation to do anything.

Resent the fact that everyone else gets to go on with their lives as normal while you have to deal with this.

Want to scream in frustration at those who:
* Minimise it with "it will be all right". There is nothing about this situation that is 'all right'.
* Dismiss it with a "you can always try again". You know that for a fact do you?
* Resort to the tired old cliche of "everything happens for a reason". Really? What reason might that be? Please enlighten me.
* Tell us "I know exactly how you feel". Believe me when I say, you don't.

Blame yourself and wonder if you did something in a past life to deserve this.

Have to dig deep - really, really deep - to find the strength, courage and resilience you never thought you had to pick yourself up and keep going.

Have both your hearts break in two.

Be helpless because you cannot mend your partner's broken heart.

Realise that you cannot protect the one that you love the most from all the bad things in the world.

Mourn a dream that seems just out of reach.

Have a shadow cast over your happiness.

We are grateful for those who refrain from offering us meaningless platitudes. For those who continue to show us sensitivity and empathy. For those who look us in the eye and face this head on, and do not compel us to sweep it under the carpet because it is too uncomfortable to bear. For those who shed a tear with us. For those who make us laugh. For those who reach out and open their hearts to us. For those who truly care about us and our well-being. For those who are just there. We have never known such kindness until now. 

Once again, I felt compelled to share this part of our journey. Not just because writing about it is a relatively inexpensive form to therapy, but because MOH (My Other Half) and I thought that we had something important to say. We want everyone to understand that infertility is a very real situation that affects so many people who are just like you. That it deserves to be recognised as a increasingly prevalent problem in our modern society, and there are certain causes that are not provided with enough funding to progress vital research to find a 'cure'. That those who face it have very different experiences and deal with it in very different ways so they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and not dismissed as another statistic or reduced to a bit of gossip over coffee and cake. That its impact is extremely devastating and debilitating, and can be life-changing.

However, while I usually end all my pieces about this topic with "to be continued" this time I won't. While it may not be the end of our journey to have a child, we need time to be able to work out where we want to go from here. So I am going close the book on this for now until we somehow find a way to create a new and different story.



Saturday 1 September 2012

About Us

"Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us something extraordinary."* Anonymous

This month, MOH (My Other Half) and I will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary. Definitely a significant milestone, especially by today's standards. Extra special because it is the birthday of our commitment to each other and the happiest day of my life thus far.

MOH and I first met all those years ago through mutual friends. I thought he was quite nice. In fact, so nice that I tried to set him up with one of my good friends. He thought I was looking at him all night (if I was, I was probably scoping him out for my friend). In any case, my friend declined the introduction, he somehow got my number, we bonded over a mutual love of "The Muppets" and haven't stopped talking since. The rest, as they say, is history.

Fast forward ten plus years and not much has changed. We're older, supposedly wiser, slightly rounder, but we're still just as in love as ever (if not more). Despite what you may think, this isn't a romanticised version of our relationship. I certainly do not believe it is like one of those storybook or Hollywood movie romances. I wouldn't want it to be. They're not real and therefore, not built to last. Love, especially long lasting love, is not about pretty pictures and riding off into the sunset together. It is about the strength, courage and commitment to live the "ever after". What  I do believe is that ours is a relationship that is grounded in a solid and very real foundation of deep love, genuine care, mutual respect, being the best of friends, teamwork, compromise, resilience, fierce loyalty and unwavering support. I am extremely proud of our relationship and the couple that we've become. I am also proud of the people we've become because we have brought the best out in each other during our time together.

In this cynical world where marriage is just as easy to get out of as it is to get into, everything we've shared and everything we've been through has only strengthened my belief in us. Every step we take together increases my confidence that we will be one of those who stand the test of time and that this one is for keeps. While we are not perfect and neither is our relationship (after all this is real life and not a fairytale), together we are just the perfect fit.  

A very happy ten-year anniversary to MOH who truly is my other half!

"Grow old along with me! 
The best is yet to be..."
Robert Browning







* I've exercised some poetic license and altered this quote slightly so it is a more accurate reflection of my thinking and what I am feeling.

Tuesday 31 July 2012

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 3)


Definitions:
UFE = Unfertilised Egg
FE = Fertilised Egg

I was actually intending to post another piece on a completely different topic this month, but recent events inspired me to write and share this one. 

This is dedicated to those family and friends who have continued to support MOH (My Other Half) and I on our journey of turning a UFE to a FE. Some of them may not have realised it, but their thoughts and actions have really helped us along the way. 

Thank you to those who:

...call or message us at all hours of the day to check in and see how we are doing.

...take our calls or respond to our messages at all hours of the day.

...write or email us notes of support and encouragement.

...are our own personal cheer squad, giving us pep talks when we are feeling down or need that extra bit of motivation.

...rejoice in every little step we take, no matter how small, that brings us closer to getting a FE.

...allow us to show our vulnerability and tell us that it's okay to feel this scared, overwhelmed and sad.

...give us a reality check and ensure we don't wallow in self-pity.

...offer to do all sorts of things like ferry us to and from appointments/procedures, and be our personal medical assistant.

...pass on their learnings, and give us tips and hints based on their own experiences (infinitely better than 'Dr. Google').

...listen (a special shout-out to some of our male friends who have had to listen to me talk about my ovaries).

...conduct simple acts of kindness like bake a birthday cake or supply us with much-needed chocolate. While some of these acts may not have anything to do with this particular situation, they cheer us up all the same.

...just tells us that we are in their thoughts and prayers. It's more than enough.

...do all the 'normal' things with us like going out to dinner, reminding us that life goes on (as it should).

...make us laugh.

...encourage us to be kind and gentle to ourselves. To quote one of our friends - it's the "L'Oreal principle" i.e. because we're worth it! 

...let us know that they are right there if we need them.

...share their own very personal stories, which fill us with hope and inspiration.

...remain optimistic, even when we don't feel like we can be.

To all you special people, we'd like you to know how much it means to us and how much we appreciate every thought, every gesture and every kind word. While we still haven't reached that light at the end of the tunnel, you are certainly our beacons along the way.

Lastly, I would like to thank MOH. He is just an amazing man. This experience shown me that we really are a formidable team and that there is nothing we cannot do or cannot overcome as long as we are together. 

I sometimes wonder why I continue to share our story. I feel that it's partly because I find it quite cathartic to write about it. I also hope that other people can draw some comfort from reading it. The one thing I have learnt from all this is that no matter how many people have gone through similar experiences and no matter what their outcome has been (good or bad), it does not mean it is any easier when you are the one going through it. The most important thing is knowing that you are not alone. So my wish for any of you who may be facing the same challenges is that you are also surrounded with this kind of love, support and positivity to help you along the way. 

To be continued...

Sunday 1 July 2012

Things that make me go hmmm...



There are some things in this world that I cannot make sense of or explain, and some moments in life that have really made me stop and think. Here are just a few:

People who don't care for chocolate. What the????

Math. Numbers and numerical reasoning were never my strong points.

Superglue. Why is it that I always manage to glue my fingers together?

Arrogance and ignorance. Dangerous on their own, positively lethal when combined.

Office politics. Honestly, where do people find the time and energy to engage in this?

Corporate jargon. A trap between necessity and absurdity, and can be a source of hilarity (particularly when it’s taken so seriously).

Karma. There really is something to this.

Listening to your gut. Same as above.

Why everything that tastes so good is not really good for you. It's like nature's cruel little joke.

The compulsion to:
  • Check your phone for any emails and messages the minute you get out of bed; and
  • Respond to work emails and calls late at night, on the weekend or while on holiday.
Why some people think the concept of time doesn't apply to them.

The fact that I actually like brussels sprouts.

Allen’s Pineapple Lollies. Where have these little bundles of sugary goodness gone?  

My complete lack of spatial ability (to MOH’s, aka My Other Half’s, utter despair).

Double-lane roundabouts. These are just accidents waiting to happen.

My fear and loathing of driving (somewhat related to the previous two points).

Having numerous pairs of ballet flats – to quote MOH “but you don’t even do ballet!”.  

Racism and any other form of discrimination. So ugly and unnecessary.

On that note, those who complain about immigration and multiculturalism in one breath, but will happily scoff a Chinese, Thai, Indian, Italian, Lebanese or any other ethnic meal in the next. It’s a minor thing but you can’t have it both ways, people!

Those who travel overseas and spend the whole time complaining that things are not like they are “back home” or wondering why “they don’t speak English here”.  

Certain celebrities, like:
  • Lindsay Lohan - this girl needs serious help;
  • Charlie Sheen - it seems that being a tool can still earn you a cool $100 Million; and
  • Kim Kardashian - love her or hate her, you’ve got to admit that you can’t look away from her.
Waxing. Only human beings will allow another person to pour hot wax on their skin and rip it off.

Sour Cream & Chive Pringles. It is really true that “once you pop you can't stop”!

Harem pants ala MC Hammer. Does anyone (apart from Kate Moss) look good in these?

Getting pimples at my age. Surely the time for this has well and truly passed?

Looking at that number on the scale. How did it get to that point? Perhaps the family-sized pack of M&M’s wasn’t such a good idea...

Lying to the trainer at the gym. Of course I didn’t eat all the cheesecake (just half).

Customer service consultants or snooty waiters at fancy restaurants who act like they’re the ones doing you a favour.   

Cricket. How can one sporting game keep going for five, long – veryvery long – days?   

The doctor leaving the room while you undress to give some you ‘privacy’. They’re going to see you in pretty much all your glory anyway when they return.

Alanis Morisette’s song “You Oughta Know”. Whoa! That must’ve been one hell of a break-up.

When governments make decisions that negatively impact healthcare and education, making it harder for these two fundamental pillars of society to be accessible to all. 

People who lack emotional intelligence. How do they manage to get through life? Though I suppose if you are completely ignorant of the impact of your behaviour on others then you probably have a pretty good life. That’s the beauty of having no accountability.

When religion is used as an excuse for one's actions and behaviour. Your God is either a loving God, who has the capacity to love and accept everyone without exception, or a vengeful God. Take your pick. You cannot have it both ways. That’s just hypocritical.

The moment in your life when you realise your parents are not infallible and are simply ordinary people just like everyone else.

Following on from that, learning that you cannot keep blaming your parents for all the problems of the world. As one very wise person wrote, “your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over”.

People who order a chicken caeser salad (complete with bacon, croutons and creamy dressing) and a diet coke. I hate to burst their bubble, but that’s not healthy!

Food products that are labelled as "99% fat-free". Compared to what? A chocolate mud cake? It’s all relative.

Fat-free, soy milk, decaf cappuccino. To quote the menu of one of our favourite cafes – “why bother?”

Finally, one of my pet hates, public toilets. Flush, people, flush! It’s not that hard. Don’t even get me stated on those who don’t wash their hands...

What about you? What are the things that make you go hmmmm? 


Friday 1 June 2012

Sisterhood?

A male friend recently shared a story about a female work colleague (let's call her Beth) who was given a derogatory nickname by some male colleagues. What took him by surprise is that not only did another female colleague (let's call her Louise) fail to defend Beth, but Louise also proceeded to make other not-so-nice comments about Beth. Even more disturbing was that Louise and Beth were meant to be friends. My male friend's conclusion - women can be horrible and we can be particularly horrible to each other. I was dismayed. Not because he was so obviously wrong, but because he was actually right!

Sometimes I feel we women can't win. We're judged if we work full-time, part-time or decide to be a stay-at-home parent.  We're scrutinised if we managed to break that glass ceiling. We're sized up for what we wear or what we don't wear. We're questioned if we're in a relationship or if we're single. We're evaluated on how we parent or if we decide not to be parent at all. Sadly, it is often other women who are the first to pass judgement and are the quickest to express their opinions (helpful or not).

We've all been guilty of voicing our criticism (sorry, I mean 'advice' and 'guidance') over a female counterpart's choice of outfit, friends, partner, hobby, job, style of parenting, family life or anything else you can possibly think of. If we didn't come out and actually say it, we certainly thought it! As for the concepts of female solidarity and sisterhood, I've read organisational studies which found that even women are reluctant to hire other women because of the impact their home and family commitments would have on the business. These women also admitted to being tougher on their female colleagues than they are on their male ones. So if sisterhood does exist, it seems it can morph into the 'Cinderella and her wicked step-sisters' kind.

What's worse is that we often find our harshest critic staring back at us in the mirror. How disappointing is it to find that it is your very own self who takes the greatest pleasure in tearing you down? How many times have we said to ourselves and others “I'm not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, confident enough, pretty enough, < insert any other adjective here> enough”. Here's a simple example. Supermodel Elle MacPherson once lamented about some cellulite on her thighs. First of all, she actually has cellulite?! Second, even the woman who was dubbed 'The Body' still doesn't think she's physically perfect. Finally, she is still referred to as 'The Body', looks fabulous at forty-plus, and has managed to turn herself into a brand and successful business woman to boot. So forgive me, but I can't muster one iota of sympathy or even empathy for her minuscule amount of cellulite. Come talk to me when half your wardrobe doesn't fit, sista! And there it is - judgement. That didn't take long. 

Then there's the guilt. The guilt that sets in when we're made to feel like we're anything less than the perfect woman. Who was this Superwoman? I'd love to meet the person who set the bar against which every other woman is judged. By all accounts, she must be pretty phenomenal and clearly not human. But apparently the latter is just a minor detail as we insist on pitting each other and ourselves against her in what is obviously a 'fair' fight. 

I've noticed that women seem to feel the most guilt and are extremely apologetic when they admit to having 'help'. To quote media personality, Chrissie Swan, "help is not a dirty word". She recently divulged one of her secrets to balancing full-time work, parenthood and marriage - employing a nanny and a cleaner (cue the shock and horror from all the Superwomen out there). Let me tell you, I personally subscribe to Chrissie's philosophy that to assume anyone can pull it all off without help (in whatever form that help comes in) is completely "bonkers". Yes, our mothers and grandmothers did without all these 'mod cons', but you can't seriously look me in the eye and say that they would have knocked back this kind of help if it was offered to them. MOH (My Other Half) and I have good cleaners and a nice man who mows our lawn, and occasionally use a food delivery service to stock up on ready-made, healthy dinners. No, we're not fabulously wealthy nor do we have children, but we do work extremely long hours in full-time jobs and I travel a lot for work. Believe me the last thing either of us want to do on the weekend, especially if I've been away from home for five days, is clean and mow the lawn. We value our quality time together and our relationship much more than that.  As far as I'm concerned, throw me every life line available that will enable MOH and I get one step closer to achieving that elusive balance and that Superwoman cape can go hang!  I have no aspirations to be a martyr or a paragon of virtue. I just want to do the best that I can with what I've got. How can there be anything wrong with that?

When all is said and done, I simply do not understand why we women do this to ourselves and to each other. What drives this kind of behaviour? Does it stem from our ambition, insecurities, ignorance, jealousy or all of the above? We should be each other's biggest advocates and supporters. No one but another woman can appreciate or understand how hard it is to juggle our different roles, find a way to keep all the balls in the air and somehow make it work.  Yet here we are playing the role of each other's and our own worst enemy. We should learn to be our own best friend. I go back to the words of the fabulous Brene Brown - "be kinder and gentler to ourselves as it enables us to be kinder and gentler to others".  We should be glad to be women who have the freedom of choice and be grateful that we are in a privileged position to decide our own path. So we should stand up for, and be proud of the choices and decisions we make! Finally, we need to do what is best and what works for our family and for us. At the end of the day, it is our partner and children (if one has any) that truly matter and it is their opinions that really count.


To all the wonderful women I have the privilege of knowing and to every woman out there, this is what I have to say to you - what you do is enough and you are enough. Don't let anyone else (including yourself) tell you otherwise.


Tuesday 1 May 2012

i-Addiction

Hi, my name is M and I have an i-Addiction. I used to be the person who clung to my simple, no-nonsense mobile phone handset for dear life (I don’t deal well with change). I turned my nose up at reading the news and books online. I resisted the urge to link my email account to my phone. I thought social media required too much effort and that other applications were a waste of time. When MOH (My Other Half) finally convinced me to upgrade to a Smartphone, a whole new world opened up and I haven’t looked back. These days, my i-Phone is like my fifth appendage.

I now have a telephone, personal assistant, GPS, camera, web-browser and portable media player all rolled into one sleek, slim, little package that can fit into most of my handbags. I can catch-up on the news (both the current affairs and Facebook kind) at anytime and from anyplace. I can be in the middle of nowhere and still do my banking and shop for ‘essentials’ (MOH didn’t quite know what was happening when two tubes of mascara turned up in his office mail and I wasn’t even in the same State). I can navigate my way around unfamiliar places with the help of the trusty little, blue dot on my GPS (if only it had footprints to indicate which way I should be facing it would be perfect). I can release my inner child and amuse myself with sorts of games (“Angry Birds” anyone?). Best of all, I can keep in touch with family and friends from all over the globe with the flick of a button or two, helped by the fact that I have no less than three (yes, three) email accounts linked to my phone.

Basically my entire life (well a good proportion of it) – contacts, appointments, events, reminders, notes, pictures – is in my phone. If I lost my phone, I would be lost (both figuratively and literally as I really cannot find anything without the help of a GPS). This leaves me wondering whether I’ve crossed the line from this technology being something that supports my life to something that has taken over it. When MOH and I were going through a “Words with Friends” phase, we found ourselves playing this game while seated next to each other on our lounge. At that point, I wondered if someone needed to stage an intervention! I decided that I should implement *gasp* an i-Ban. But then, what if I need to Google something?

Perhaps it won’t be a total ban (baby steps, M, baby steps). It could be something like switching the i-Phone off after 8.00pm. After all, I definitely don't need to be this ‘connected’ all the time (receiving calls and emails from work while on a holiday is not a good thing). So I am going to take a deep breath and tell myself I can do this. I can be strong. I can walk away from my i-Phone without looking back. Well, maybe just one little look to check that everything is okay. And just so we’re clear, the i-Pad doesn’t count right? ;)

Does anyone else feel this way? Have we fallen into the trap of letting technology overrun our life or even replace it?


Sunday 1 April 2012

To friend or not to friend, that is the question

“I want to break up with you”. A sentence we may have said to a former partner or one that a former partner has said to us. But have you ever wanted to say this to a friend? What do you do when you realise *gulp* that you may want to ‘break up’ with someone you used to consider a good friend? Well maybe not end the friendship entirely but certainly ‘tone down’ the relationship and establish some distance, particularly if it is no longer one that fulfils your needs (or theirs for that matter).

When did our friendships become so complicated? Surely it should be much simpler as we get older? After all, we are more mature and experienced. So it stands to reason that we should be able to manage these adult relationships. But of course as we get older our lives become filled with so many other commitments – our partners, children, work and extended family just to name a few. These myriad of other things not only add to the complexity, but they take up so much of our time and effort that there can be little left for anything or anyone else. However to be perfectly honest, that ‘excuse’ just doesn't cut it with me. If you consider someone or something as important, you will make the time and effort when you can. While the time you are able to give may not be something that occurs every day, every week or even every month, when you do give it, you put in the effort to make sure it is quality time. You give your full attention to the other person and not make them feel like it's something you squeezed in between all the other things on your ‘to do’ list.

Sometimes people suddenly change the ‘rules of the game’ and you are left wondering if you misjudged the relationship from the outset. They inexplicably drop out of sight, are always too "busy" and never initiate contact with you (calling, e-mailing, make plans etc.). It leaves you wondering how it could have gone from sharing important milestones in each other’s lives to sharing just “coffee and cake” (as one of my own friends has put it)? It can be quite confronting when you realise that they no longer value you or your relationship in the same way. The funny thing is, often these people are happy to ‘tone down’ their part in the relationship but they violently object when you do the same in response! Next thing you know, you’re the one cast in the role of the ‘bad’ friend and you had no idea you were even playing it. What’s even worse is when the other person doesn’t really seem to miss you and has gone on with their life without batting an eyelid. All the while, you’ve been torturing yourself over the demise of the relationship. Now that’s a hard pill to swallow.

And God help you if you are a woman and you happen to have an issue with a female friend. I read somewhere that “hell has no fury like a woman scorned by another woman”. Sadly, this statement rings true. What happened to ‘BFF’ (Best Friends Forever)? Where is the cosiness and intimacy of the Carries, Mirandas, Charolottes and Samanthas of this world? When did Thelma and Louise leave each other behind? Given the stereotypes associated with female friendships, it's easy to hold our female friends up to extremely high (and perhaps unrealistic) standards. Then inevitably feel disappointed or even betrayed when they don't measure up. I love the friendships guys have with each other and in fact, the ones I have with guys – quite uncomplicated and far less dramatic. They seem to have different expectations of what a friend means and if there is a ‘slight’, they get over it much more quickly. Sometimes I feel that while women can forgive, it doesn’t mean they forget...ever.

The general consensus from relationship experts is that you should address the situation immediately if there is an issue in your friendship. But what if you don’t want to? Not just because you want to avoid the conflict, but because you realise that it wouldn’t matter what you said as it wouldn’t change the situation one little bit. Quite frankly, you just don't feel the same way about them anymore. I call this the ‘it's not you, it's me’ scenario.

The same experts also say that we need to be flexible and lower our expectations with regards to our adult friendships. Yes there are swings and roundabouts in every relationship, but when you are the one left always ‘pushing' the swing or the roundabout, it can get quite tiring.  I call this the ‘it is you, not me’ scenario. Besides, why should I lower my expectations? Personally, I need friends who enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs, who I can share my life with and who want to share their life with me, and who treat our friendship as a welcome part of their lives and not something that is just a ‘tick and flick’. It’s these kind of friends that deserve that oh so precious time and effort.

I guess ‘breaking up’ with a friend (just like any other break up) is really about being honest with oneself. Instead of agonising over who did or didn’t do what, we need to face the fact that there are some people who have outgrown us just as much as we’ve outgrown them. In this instance, perhaps it is better to let go. To quote Scotty from Star Trek, "I've giv'n her all she's got captainan' I canna give her no more." Some people are no longer the type of friend they used to be and they are no longer a type of friend that you need them to be. Coming to this realisation is extremely disappointing and sad. Others will simply put it down to the “circle of life”, tell you “all good things must come to an end” and all sorts of other blah, blah, blah. But these platitudes don’t bring much comfort and nor do they make it hurt any less.

Thursday 1 March 2012

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 2)


Definitions:
UFE = Unfertilised Egg
FE = Fertilised Egg

So here we are. MOH (My Other Half) and I are still working on turning our UFE to a FE. It's been an endless round of specialists and tests. What MOH and I have learnt throughout all this is that you need to leave all your inhibitions and dignity at the door. Between you, your partner, your G.P., the specialists, the pathologists, the pharmacist and the myriad of other people who suddenly have a detailed insight into your reproductive process, there really isn’t any room at all for either of these.

There’s nothing like....
  • Divulging the intimate details of everything (and I mean everything) that goes into making a baby with your G.P., gynaecologist and the fertility clinic. Yes, they may be medical professionals, but at the end of the day they’re still strangers who are now privy to information that even your very best friends don’t know.
  • Debating what underwear you will be wearing to the appointment. Obviously very important criteria your gynaecologist will judge you on (not)!
  • The amusement on your gynaecologist’s face when he realises that you have managed your entire reproductive process using an iPhone application.  
  • Receiving praise from the pathology collector along the lines of “Good girl. You did so well.” What am I, ten? But then again, they are big needles and it has been numerous vials of blood...
  • And as it has been numerous vials of blood, walking around with what looks suspiciously like track marks on both your arms (not a good look for work).
  • MOH asking his pathology collector if he could have a lollipop as a reward for being so brave while she collected his blood.
  • Asking the pharmacist for certain products in a barely audible whisper in an effort to protect your privacy in a public place, only to have them repeat your request in a VERY LOUD VOICE.  I'm sorry, I don't think the astronauts in the International Space Station heard you so could you just say that again?
  • The look of horror on MOH’s face when our doctor advised that there are ‘collection centres’ at the clinic for 'samples'. Priceless.
  • The look of horror on my face when we were told that partners may be allowed in the ‘collection centres’. Honestly, who would want to touch anything in those rooms unless it was disinfected with industrial strength, anti-bacterial cleaning agents?
  • Trying to keep the sample jar at room temperature (best not to ask where it had to be ‘stored’) as you rush it to the fertility clinic in an effort to keep everything ‘alive’.
  • The fertility clinic telling you that you've stuffed up the sample because you didn’t follow the rules for how it should be ‘collected’. There are rules???
  • Pretending that you know exactly what those black and white blobs are on the ultrasound monitor. Who knew that your insides looked like that? Like a McDonald's hamburger, it doesn't look like the picture at all!
  • Your gynaecologist rearranging your underwear after they have completed an ultrasound.
  • Your gynaecologist making small talk as they conduct a physical exam (I really don't know why they think this makes it more comfortable).
  • Realising – despite believing you are a mature and modern woman – you harbour some prudish tendencies. See most of the above points.
  • The not-so-funny moments when you discover that there are certain things in life that really do make your heart hurt.  
On bright side, many of  these moments have provided MOH and I with comic relief.  I have no doubt there’ll be plenty more as we muddle our way through this journey. Besides, being able to have a good laugh, especially at oneself, is an essential part of being able to live through life's curve balls. The best part so far – reaffirming that the love MOH and I have for each other really knows no bounds.

To be continued....

Acknowledgements & Dedications: 
I would like to acknowledge MOH, who like me, wanted to continue to share our story. We know so many others who are going through or have gone through these experiences. They not only provide comfort and hope, but help put everything into perspective (especially when they have experienced so many more challenges than we have so far). We regard them as some of the bravest, patient and most resilient people we know. This one is dedicated to them and to all of you who know what this is like.