The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 8)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

It's now coming up to six years since we started this journey of turning a UFE to a FE and today we learnt that our latest round of IVF treatment was unsuccessful.

Having a child is usually filled with anticipation, excitement and joy. I can't even remember the last time we felt any of that. For us the experience has been riddled with anxiety, fear and sadness.

I'm an optimist at heart but I'm also a realist. I know the odds, I know the statistics, I know the facts. I am very clear that after each unsuccessful round of treatment, as each year passes and my body gets older, the chances become smaller and smaller, and it just gets harder and harder.

Apparently miracles do happen. Frankly I'm not interested in anybody else's miracle. It's great for them but I've stopped believing in miracles until I can see, touch and feel my own. The term 'miracle' also gives it this mystical and magical quality. Like it's a fairy tale that's all sweetness and light. Well if we do get a 'miracle' it is not a fairy tale, it is not sweet, it is not light. The truth - it would have happened because we lived through the darkest, saddest and most difficult times, and it has come at the highest emotional, mental and physical cost.

People say "have faith" and just "believe". I say please have faith and believe for us because someone's got to. They tell us "it will happen". After all these years I wonder when they actually think it will because we're still waiting for it. Oh and if you're one of those who advocate "you're never given more than you can handle". Save it. Don't waste you're breath. Tell you what, let's swap places and you let us know how you 'handle' it.

When we are asked how we are going with all this, I am so weary of it all that I can't even manufacture a response that is anything other than the cold, hard, uncomfortable truth. We are incredibly tired. We are simply going through the motions with each round of IVF treatment. We are scraping the bottom of the barrel to find the strength and courage to keep going. We do not let ourselves grieve because we fear that we may never be able to recover. We do not have any expectations. We do not allow ourselves to hope because, as someone else wrote, hope can be a shitty thing to live on.

And this is what it's like to live with infertility in all its rawness and realness. Those who struggle with it learn how to hide the truth really well. We hide it because not everyone needs to know, not everyone should know and not everyone wants to know. So if you're looking for a heartwarming story you're not going to get it here. You'll have to read a work of fiction or watch a Hollywood movie. They're great for fairy tales.

The Things I've Learnt About Infertility

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 7)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

1. It doesn't discriminate, yet everyone is different
Infertility can touch all sorts of people from all walks of life. It surprised me how many people I personally know who have been struck by it (too many by far). Everyone has a reason for the cause. While some reasons may be the same, each experience is different. Every journey is a deeply personal one.

2. It puts you in a state of limbo
You can be paralyzed with indecision. You are always cautious. You never know how you'll be feeling about it each day, much less what the outcome of all of it will be.

3. It is exhausting
Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. If it's not the endless rounds of drugs f*cking you up (pardon my swearing) not to mention feeling like a human pin cushion, it's the overthinking that does your head in. Don't even get me started on what it does to one's heart and soul. There are the times when you feel like you have nothing - and I mean nothing - left. Yet you have to get up, regroup, rebuild and do it all again because there ain't nobody else who can live your life for you. 

4. It causes others to make assumptions
Even when these assumptions are incorrect, it's best to just let it go. In our case, we're comfortable with people knowing we're having problems but not for one moment will we share all the nitty gritty details with every single one of these people. In truth, not everyone has the right to hear our story. 

5. It can make you feel ignored 
If we don't want to talk about it we'll tell you but let that be our choice. Brushing it off or not even mentioning it at all when you know we're having a tough time makes us feel alone. Our situation is here, it's real and it's not going away. A simple "how are you doing" or "I'm here for you" is more than enough and is appreciated more than you know. Though please do not come out with "everything happens for a reason" or "no one gets anything more than they can handle". I can tell you right now those are a load of BS (again pardon the swearing). 

6. It may cause you to do crazy things 
By 'crazy' I mean the things you wished you did before or the things you never even considered doing or the the things you never thought you could do. Travel at every opportunity, do singing lessons, run a half-marathon, ride a tiny helicopter, take a trapeze lesson (the look on My Other Half's face when I announced I was doing this was priceless). These give you something else to focus on. They are a means to escape, a way to nurture yourself, a reward and a 'why the hell not'. They are what you hang on to when you're tired and just don't want to care anymore. They are for every moment you have to tell yourself to stop being sad because you have to be strong. They prove that life can be still be enjoyed, is definitely still meaningful and is full of rich experiences.

7. It holds a mirror up to yourself 
You see yourself at your very worst moments where you discover you can really suck at this whole adult thing. However you also get to see yourself at your very best. Both situations make you realise what you're truly capable of.

8. It changes you 
Your perspective, your attitude and your approach to life. I'd like to think that most of the changes have been for the better.

9. It makes you realise what's really important
You learn to prioritise and value who and what truly matters. Everyone and everything else outside of this is not worth sweating about. 

10. It teaches you to be grateful 
Grateful for what you have right now and for what's directly in front of you. I never realised how much I used to live for tomorrow until I went through this. Live in the moment, enjoy what you have now because you never know what the future may bring. So while the last few years of battling infertility has led to some of my very worst moments, it is this gratitude that has led me to some of my very best. And that is the precarious, precious balance of life. There is more to life than just this. I am not just all this.  

To paraphrase the wonderful Maya Angelou, you can be changed by what happens to you but you can refuse to be reduced by it. Life can be a bitch so you've got to go out there and kick ass.