Here we go again....

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 6)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

We've had quite a long break from this. It's been well over year and in that time we got on with our lives. To be honest it was a relief not to have to deal with the 'baby thing' every day. It was in the back of our minds but at least it wasn't permanently front and centre.

One of the hardest things has been dealing with questions from people who want to know why we don't have kids yet. Or those who know we are having trouble but ask why we're waiting so long to try again. Or those who imply with their casual comments about our careers and lifestyle, that we perhaps don't want kids (which apparently makes us rather selfish and me an epic fail as a woman). Seems everyone has an opinion and there's some who believe they're in a position to know what's best for us.

The other challenge is dealing with the see-saw of emotions. There are people whose kids I adore and could see all day, every day. Then there are people who I am unable to even have one simple conversation about their kids. See this is one of the downfalls of infertility - it makes you less generous, less patient and less understanding because there are times when my main priority is to protect my heart.

Then there's all the other stuff. Natural birth versus caesarean. Breast fed versus bottle fed. Stay at home versus work. Daycare or not. Homemade organic mush versus store bought baby food. My care factor about any of this is a big, fat zero. I am no longer seeking to be the perfect parent, I just want to be a parent. None of that matters too much as long as my child is healthy, happy and loved. There's another strike against me as a woman. Apparently I'm supposed to give a massive shit (excuse the language) about all that. There are so many things about this whole baby thing that I cannot control, but that stuff I can. So I will give a shit but when I choose to and I will definitely do certain things but I will do it my way.

I'd like to say that I'm looking forward to the next stage but I'd be lying. I'm anxious, I'm fearful and to some extent I also feel numb. I want a child but I don't want to have to go through this. There are times where I have felt like I'm just going through the motions and when I've lost sight of the end game. Then there are times my heart aches when I see a baby, when I kiss and cuddle the children around me or when I see MOH (My Other Half) playing with another child.

That's the hidden cost of infertility. No one sees or can truly comprehend the uncertainty, the sadness, the frustration, the anger. Nor do I find does everyone really want to. For some, it's just too uncomfortable to face. I've found it's easier for these people if I say we're getting on with it and doing okay than it is to tell the truth - there are times we are scared out of our minds, we are incredibly sad and we are very confused. When others say with such confidence that a baby is worth it that actually frustrates me to no end. Let me tell you about the decisions we have to take, the choices we have to make and then you look me in the eye and tell me your resolve wouldn't waver at times too. But I would never disclose those kind of details to just anyone and everyone anyway. There's not too many people we have let in and shared every specific, intimate detail of our story and that's how we plan keep it.

We've always wanted children and still do, but not at all costs. We never allowed to let it consume us nor define us or our relationship. It will happen but not in the way we thought it would nor how anyone else thinks it should. In the meantime, thank God for the benefit of perspective - there are people who have and are still struggling with far worse. Life has gone on and will continue to go on. As it should. And it is a good life.

"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. 

They don't need to, it's not for them."

Facebook

Facebook. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Which camp do you fall in? 

I actually resisted the urge to have an account until a few years ago when a friend living overseas thought it would be a good way to share photos. As I travel a lot of work, I realised it's potential. I've even reconnected with old friends across world through it. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm active Facebooker. It has become an outlet for my three obsessions (food, travel and running) and a record of some of my most memorable mish-ues (the mishmash of mishaps that only seem to ever happen to me). I also know that there are people like MOH (My Other Half) who may not seem to be active, but are definitely voyeurs. 

So what compels us to peruse and/or post on Facebook? I've read social research on the reasons why we share our lives in an open forum such as this - quest for identity; being true to your 'personal brand'; emotion; validation; attention; 'disinhibition effect' because you're literally just talking to a 'wall' instead of having to look others in the eye as you disclose your thoughts and feelings. Rightly or wrongly I don't think that deeply about it. For those of you who see my posts, you know that there is definitely nothing too deep and meaningful about them! 

Besides who are we to judge what people do on Facebook? If we don't like something, it's incredibly easy to ignore it, literally hide it or log off and walk away from it. Also let's be perfectly honest, as if you'd put a horrid photo of yourself online so why on earth would you expect anyone else to. What we each chose to put on Facebook is showing only one part of our life, but what's so wrong with that? After all you don't share everything with everyone in your life so why would you do it on social media. Moreover, Facebook shouldn't be all of our life.  

To me, Facebook (or any other form of social media) only becomes a problem if you forgo real life connections and rely purely on this online medium. On the whole, it should be a harmless bit of fun. Use it, don't use it. Post it, don't post it. Like it, don't like it. Friend, don't friend. We shouldn't sweat it. At the end of the day, it's just Facebook. 

Facebook - it's not meant to be taken so seriously

p.s. I do appreciate the fact that you may have seen the link to my blog through Facebook.