Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Here we go again....

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 6)

UFE = Unfertilised Egg
FE = Fertilised Egg

We've had quite a long break from this. It's been well over year and in that time we got on with our lives. To be honest it was a relief not to have to deal with the 'baby thing' every day. It was in the back of our minds but at least it wasn't permanently front and centre.

One of the hardest things has been dealing with questions from people who want to know why we don't have kids yet. Or those who know we are having trouble but ask why we're waiting so long to try again. Or those who imply with their casual comments about our careers and lifestyle, that we perhaps don't want kids (which apparently makes us rather selfish and me an epic fail as a woman). Seems everyone has an opinion and there's some who believe they're in a position to know what's best for us.

The other challenge is dealing with the see-saw of emotions. There are people whose kids I adore and could see all day, every day. Then there are people who I am unable to even have one simple conversation about their kids. See this is one of the downfalls of infertility - it makes you less generous, less patient and less understanding because there are times when my main priority is to protect my heart.

Then there's all the other stuff. Natural birth versus caesarean. Breast fed versus bottle fed. Stay at home versus work. Daycare or not. Homemade organic mush versus store bought baby food. My care factor about any of this is a big, fat zero. I am no longer seeking to be the perfect parent, I just want to be a parent. None of that matters too much as long as my child is healthy, happy and loved. There's another strike against me as a woman. Apparently I'm supposed to give a massive shit (excuse the language) about all that. There are so many things about this whole baby thing that I cannot control, but that stuff I can. So I will give a shit but when I choose to and I will definitely do certain things but I will do it my way.

I'd like to say that I'm looking forward to the next stage but I'd be lying. I'm anxious, I'm fearful and to some extent I also feel numb. I want a child but I don't want to have to go through this. There are times where I have felt like I'm just going through the motions and when I've lost sight of the end game. Then there are times my heart aches when I see a baby, when I kiss and cuddle the children around me or when I see MOH (My Other Half) playing with another child.

That's the hidden cost of infertility. No one sees or can truly comprehend the uncertainty, the sadness, the frustration, the anger. Nor do I find does everyone really want to. For some, it's just too uncomfortable to face. I've found it's easier for these people if I say we're getting on with it and doing okay than it is to tell the truth - there are times we are scared out of our minds, we are incredibly sad and we are very confused. When others say with such confidence that a baby is worth it that actually frustrates me to no end. Let me tell you about the decisions we have to take, the choices we have to make and then you look me in the eye and tell me your resolve wouldn't waver at times too. But I would never disclose those kind of details to just anyone and everyone anyway. There's not too many people we have let in and shared every specific, intimate detail of our story and that's how we plan keep it.

We've always wanted children and still do, but not at all costs. We never allowed to let it consume us nor define us or our relationship. It will happen but not in the way we thought it would nor how anyone else thinks it should. In the meantime, thank God for the benefit of perspective - there are people who have and are still struggling with far worse. Life has gone on and will continue to go on. As it should. And it is a good life.

"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. 
They don't need to, it's not for them."

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