Friday, 1 November 2013

A Defining Moment

We will all go through defining moment in our lives. You know the ones which make such an impression on us, cause us to hold a mirror to ourselves, make us stop and reflect, and shape who we are. I had another one of those moments when I recently lost a family member.

We had a complicated, complex relationship. While there was a lot of good, it definitely wasn't always easy. But this didn't change the fact that we were still family. Their death caused me to think about all the things I could or should have said or done, question what I did do and regret what I didn't. It also made me want to run. To actually put on my sneakers and run because I craved normality and wanted to do something so mundane and routine. To also run away because I wanted to escape the shock and sadness. But most of all, escape from the guilt and shame as I questioned whether I gave the best that I possibly could have to that relationship and whether I could have done more.

It has been a really, really difficult time. Trying to come to terms with this, along with navigating my way through our ongoing battle with infertility, has caused me to finally fall apart in the most spectacular fashion. Once again I find myself wondering if I have it in me to get through it. To eventually work through the quagmire of emotions it has stirred up. To be able come out on the other side relatively intact and not carry the emotional baggage around for the rest of my life. To have closure, even when I feel like there is still so much left unfinished. To accept that my loved one is truly at peace. To one day believe with all my heart that he is at peace with me.

Then I remember it isn't just me (going through this) and this isn't about me. But death has a funny way of making those of us who are still alive take a good, long hard look at ourselves. It forces us to take stock of who we are as people. It causes us to evaluate our own lives. It makes us realise or reinforce what and who is really important. 

It can also strengthen our desire to live our lives to the best of our ability and give the best of ourselves to those important others. Life is too short and too precious to do otherwise. Besides that's all we can really do. Just do the best we can and be the best that we can. Hopefully I can keep reminding myself that it's good enough and forgive for what I believe wasn't.

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