Thursday, 1 August 2013

The One I Thought I Wouldn't Write About Again

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 5)

UFE = Unfertilised Egg
FE = Fertilised Egg

I didn't mean to open the door and write about this topic again. I tried to write about other things, but always ran of steam halfway through. I'm someone who draws inspiration from real life and what is going on around me, and at the moment this is what's dominating my world. Again. 

We've recommenced our journey to turn a UFE to a FE. How do I feel? Numb and indifferent. I see what we're currently doing as purely a mechanical process - just a tick in the box so we can say we did everything we could and look back with no regrets. I have no hope or expectations about what the outcome may be (I'm not being a pessimist, I'm just trying to be realistic given our odds). Oh and I'm tired. Just so incredibly tired.

For a brief period this year we took a break and put this on the back burner. In that time I got to experience what it was like to once again be just me and just us, and it was just great. As I've said before, it reminded me that there is a life outside this, there is a me without this and there is an us besides this.

As we start it all up again, exhaustion hits me like a tonne of bricks. While we haven't been on this journey and battling away for as long as some or experienced the kind of loss as others, I still feel wiped out. It seems that we went from zero to a hundred in warp speed. So for me, the physical, mental and emotional toll hasn't been any less. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of having to do it. I am tired of organising our lives around it. I am tired of having to live it. I have come close to saying that I'm done.

Now when people wish us luck and say their thoughts are with us, I merely think "thanks". When people tell us to keep faith, be strong and not give up, I shrug and think "sure". When people assure us it will all work out and it is all worth it, I actually think "whatever". How sad is it that I cannot muster any passion for this journey or even for the end game anymore? I'm sure it's part self-preservation - the less invested I am in this, the less of a fallout there will be (the last time was almost too much to bear). In truth, the only thing that I am absolutely passionate about at the moment is that I do not want us to go through this - the process and the aftermath - again.

But here we are, doing it all again anyway. We do it because we're not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Because in spite of everything, we still choose to have a child. Because of that, ironically it means we have no choice. Because unfortunately, no one else can do it for us. Because we are adults. Because part of being an adult means making tough decisions and doing things you don't really want to do. Because being an adult also means realising that experiencing pain is just a natural part of life and learning to accept that. Though between you and me, being an adult sure does suck sometimes. Finally, we do it because we have to keep believing there is a glass that is half full somewhere out there, wherever this particular journey takes us.

No comments:

Post a Comment