The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 8)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

It's now coming up to six years since we started this journey of turning a UFE to a FE and today we learnt that our latest round of IVF treatment was unsuccessful.

Having a child is usually filled with anticipation, excitement and joy. I can't even remember the last time we felt any of that. For us the experience has been riddled with anxiety, fear and sadness.

I'm an optimist at heart but I'm also a realist. I know the odds, I know the statistics, I know the facts. I am very clear that after each unsuccessful round of treatment, as each year passes and my body gets older, the chances become smaller and smaller, and it just gets harder and harder.

Apparently miracles do happen. Frankly I'm not interested in anybody else's miracle. It's great for them but I've stopped believing in miracles until I can see, touch and feel my own. The term 'miracle' also gives it this mystical and magical quality. Like it's a fairy tale that's all sweetness and light. Well if we do get a 'miracle' it is not a fairy tale, it is not sweet, it is not light. The truth - it would have happened because we lived through the darkest, saddest and most difficult times, and it has come at the highest emotional, mental and physical cost.

People say "have faith" and just "believe". I say please have faith and believe for us because someone's got to. They tell us "it will happen". After all these years I wonder when they actually think it will because we're still waiting for it. Oh and if you're one of those who advocate "you're never given more than you can handle". Save it. Don't waste you're breath. Tell you what, let's swap places and you let us know how you 'handle' it.

When we are asked how we are going with all this, I am so weary of it all that I can't even manufacture a response that is anything other than the cold, hard, uncomfortable truth. We are incredibly tired. We are simply going through the motions with each round of IVF treatment. We are scraping the bottom of the barrel to find the strength and courage to keep going. We do not let ourselves grieve because we fear that we may never be able to recover. We do not have any expectations. We do not allow ourselves to hope because, as someone else wrote, hope can be a shitty thing to live on.

And this is what it's like to live with infertility in all its rawness and realness. Those who struggle with it learn how to hide the truth really well. We hide it because not everyone needs to know, not everyone should know and not everyone wants to know. So if you're looking for a heartwarming story you're not going to get it here. You'll have to read a work of fiction or watch a Hollywood movie. They're great for fairy tales.

The Things I've Learnt About Infertility

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 7)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

1. It doesn't discriminate, yet everyone is different
Infertility can touch all sorts of people from all walks of life. It surprised me how many people I personally know who have been struck by it (too many by far). Everyone has a reason for the cause. While some reasons may be the same, each experience is different. Every journey is a deeply personal one.

2. It puts you in a state of limbo
You can be paralyzed with indecision. You are always cautious. You never know how you'll be feeling about it each day, much less what the outcome of all of it will be.

3. It is exhausting
Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. If it's not the endless rounds of drugs f*cking you up (pardon my swearing) not to mention feeling like a human pin cushion, it's the overthinking that does your head in. Don't even get me started on what it does to one's heart and soul. There are the times when you feel like you have nothing - and I mean nothing - left. Yet you have to get up, regroup, rebuild and do it all again because there ain't nobody else who can live your life for you. 

4. It causes others to make assumptions
Even when these assumptions are incorrect, it's best to just let it go. In our case, we're comfortable with people knowing we're having problems but not for one moment will we share all the nitty gritty details with every single one of these people. In truth, not everyone has the right to hear our story. 

5. It can make you feel ignored 
If we don't want to talk about it we'll tell you but let that be our choice. Brushing it off or not even mentioning it at all when you know we're having a tough time makes us feel alone. Our situation is here, it's real and it's not going away. A simple "how are you doing" or "I'm here for you" is more than enough and is appreciated more than you know. Though please do not come out with "everything happens for a reason" or "no one gets anything more than they can handle". I can tell you right now those are a load of BS (again pardon the swearing). 

6. It may cause you to do crazy things 
By 'crazy' I mean the things you wished you did before or the things you never even considered doing or the the things you never thought you could do. Travel at every opportunity, do singing lessons, run a half-marathon, ride a tiny helicopter, take a trapeze lesson (the look on My Other Half's face when I announced I was doing this was priceless). These give you something else to focus on. They are a means to escape, a way to nurture yourself, a reward and a 'why the hell not'. They are what you hang on to when you're tired and just don't want to care anymore. They are for every moment you have to tell yourself to stop being sad because you have to be strong. They prove that life can be still be enjoyed, is definitely still meaningful and is full of rich experiences.

7. It holds a mirror up to yourself 
You see yourself at your very worst moments where you discover you can really suck at this whole adult thing. However you also get to see yourself at your very best. Both situations make you realise what you're truly capable of.

8. It changes you 
Your perspective, your attitude and your approach to life. I'd like to think that most of the changes have been for the better.

9. It makes you realise what's really important
You learn to prioritise and value who and what truly matters. Everyone and everything else outside of this is not worth sweating about. 

10. It teaches you to be grateful 
Grateful for what you have right now and for what's directly in front of you. I never realised how much I used to live for tomorrow until I went through this. Live in the moment, enjoy what you have now because you never know what the future may bring. So while the last few years of battling infertility has led to some of my very worst moments, it is this gratitude that has led me to some of my very best. And that is the precarious, precious balance of life. There is more to life than just this. I am not just all this.  

To paraphrase the wonderful Maya Angelou, you can be changed by what happens to you but you can refuse to be reduced by it. Life can be a bitch so you've got to go out there and kick ass.

Here we go again....

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 6)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

We've had quite a long break from this. It's been well over year and in that time we got on with our lives. To be honest it was a relief not to have to deal with the 'baby thing' every day. It was in the back of our minds but at least it wasn't permanently front and centre.

One of the hardest things has been dealing with questions from people who want to know why we don't have kids yet. Or those who know we are having trouble but ask why we're waiting so long to try again. Or those who imply with their casual comments about our careers and lifestyle, that we perhaps don't want kids (which apparently makes us rather selfish and me an epic fail as a woman). Seems everyone has an opinion and there's some who believe they're in a position to know what's best for us.

The other challenge is dealing with the see-saw of emotions. There are people whose kids I adore and could see all day, every day. Then there are people who I am unable to even have one simple conversation about their kids. See this is one of the downfalls of infertility - it makes you less generous, less patient and less understanding because there are times when my main priority is to protect my heart.

Then there's all the other stuff. Natural birth versus caesarean. Breast fed versus bottle fed. Stay at home versus work. Daycare or not. Homemade organic mush versus store bought baby food. My care factor about any of this is a big, fat zero. I am no longer seeking to be the perfect parent, I just want to be a parent. None of that matters too much as long as my child is healthy, happy and loved. There's another strike against me as a woman. Apparently I'm supposed to give a massive shit (excuse the language) about all that. There are so many things about this whole baby thing that I cannot control, but that stuff I can. So I will give a shit but when I choose to and I will definitely do certain things but I will do it my way.

I'd like to say that I'm looking forward to the next stage but I'd be lying. I'm anxious, I'm fearful and to some extent I also feel numb. I want a child but I don't want to have to go through this. There are times where I have felt like I'm just going through the motions and when I've lost sight of the end game. Then there are times my heart aches when I see a baby, when I kiss and cuddle the children around me or when I see MOH (My Other Half) playing with another child.

That's the hidden cost of infertility. No one sees or can truly comprehend the uncertainty, the sadness, the frustration, the anger. Nor do I find does everyone really want to. For some, it's just too uncomfortable to face. I've found it's easier for these people if I say we're getting on with it and doing okay than it is to tell the truth - there are times we are scared out of our minds, we are incredibly sad and we are very confused. When others say with such confidence that a baby is worth it that actually frustrates me to no end. Let me tell you about the decisions we have to take, the choices we have to make and then you look me in the eye and tell me your resolve wouldn't waver at times too. But I would never disclose those kind of details to just anyone and everyone anyway. There's not too many people we have let in and shared every specific, intimate detail of our story and that's how we plan keep it.

We've always wanted children and still do, but not at all costs. We never allowed to let it consume us nor define us or our relationship. It will happen but not in the way we thought it would nor how anyone else thinks it should. In the meantime, thank God for the benefit of perspective - there are people who have and are still struggling with far worse. Life has gone on and will continue to go on. As it should. And it is a good life.

"Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. 

They don't need to, it's not for them."

Facebook

Facebook. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Which camp do you fall in? 

I actually resisted the urge to have an account until a few years ago when a friend living overseas thought it would be a good way to share photos. As I travel a lot of work, I realised it's potential. I've even reconnected with old friends across world through it. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm active Facebooker. It has become an outlet for my three obsessions (food, travel and running) and a record of some of my most memorable mish-ues (the mishmash of mishaps that only seem to ever happen to me). I also know that there are people like MOH (My Other Half) who may not seem to be active, but are definitely voyeurs. 

So what compels us to peruse and/or post on Facebook? I've read social research on the reasons why we share our lives in an open forum such as this - quest for identity; being true to your 'personal brand'; emotion; validation; attention; 'disinhibition effect' because you're literally just talking to a 'wall' instead of having to look others in the eye as you disclose your thoughts and feelings. Rightly or wrongly I don't think that deeply about it. For those of you who see my posts, you know that there is definitely nothing too deep and meaningful about them! 

Besides who are we to judge what people do on Facebook? If we don't like something, it's incredibly easy to ignore it, literally hide it or log off and walk away from it. Also let's be perfectly honest, as if you'd put a horrid photo of yourself online so why on earth would you expect anyone else to. What we each chose to put on Facebook is showing only one part of our life, but what's so wrong with that? After all you don't share everything with everyone in your life so why would you do it on social media. Moreover, Facebook shouldn't be all of our life.  

To me, Facebook (or any other form of social media) only becomes a problem if you forgo real life connections and rely purely on this online medium. On the whole, it should be a harmless bit of fun. Use it, don't use it. Post it, don't post it. Like it, don't like it. Friend, don't friend. We shouldn't sweat it. At the end of the day, it's just Facebook. 

Facebook - it's not meant to be taken so seriously

p.s. I do appreciate the fact that you may have seen the link to my blog through Facebook.

All I want for Christmas

All I want for Christmas is:

* A good book, a deck chair and sunshine.

* A coffee machine that not only makes my coffee, but brings it to me in bed every morning.

* To switch off, and completely and utterly forget about work.

* Long, thick eyelashes. If there was cosmetic surgery that would give me a permanent solution for this I would do it. Seriously. If it does exist please let me know ASAP.

* A wind machine. Every woman needs one. I've worked out this is why Beyoncé looks so fabulous. Check out her music videos for yourself if you don't believe me.

* To sing and dance like I just don't care. Oh wait, I do that already.

* To feast like a king with all my favourite indulgences. Hmmm, I do that already too....

* To keep having fun. Lots and lots of fun.

* To continue to travel the world.

* To achieve my next goal - run a half marathon. I've been inspired by some family and friends, I think 'why the hell not' and I say 'never say never'. This leads me to the next two points on my wishlist...

* To never let my age or gender define what I can and cannot do. 

* To make the most of every single opportunity that comes my way.

* To have the capacity to forgive and accept that some things cannot be changed.

* To do what I can to contribute and make a difference, whatever that may be.

* For ignorance and hate to be wiped out from this world (a big ask but one has to start somewhere). 

* For all my family and framily (friends-family) to be content and at peace (I am happy to start here).

* To have the strength and the courage to get through this next phase of our journey towards having child and make it through to the other side. The strength and the courage that I am scared I will not be able to find.

* To continue to believe from the bottom of my heart that despite any challenges, MOH and I have a wonderful life. The glass is always half-full.

* MOH (My Other Half). This one goes without saying. 

Love, laugh, enjoy, give and live with joy.

"Because life's too short not to try beautiful things." 

Jamie Oliver

Have a beautiful Christmas and New Year!

Perfection = Happiness: Lessons from a Recovering Perfectionist

I must be perfect or what........?

Would I rather be perfect or happy? I used to think I had to be perfect to be happy. The truth is that quest for never-ending perfection resulted in the opposite. After all, nobody and nothing is perfect every single time so how could I be truly happy if I or anyone or anything else failed to live up to expectations? It's tiring to be always looking for the next thing. It's pointless trying to always control what happens. It's futile trying to predict the future. I'm not the master and centre of the universe nor am I a psychic. Who knows why I even tried to be.

Over the last few years, I've experienced the toughest moments in my life thus far. These moments have shown me that no matter what I do, not everything will go according to my meticulously crafted plan. This isn't a fairytale life where everything leads to a happy ending. This is my life. A real life. One where you have to move beyond that happy ending and learn how to live the 'ever after'. Real life can be full of twists and turns, messy as hell, and full of surprises. But every twist and turn I had to navigate, every mess I had to clean up, and every surprise that came my way has led me to where I am now and who I am today. I have more courage than I ever thought possible. I am more resilient than I ever thought I would be. I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I have said 'yes' when I would have normally said 'no'. I have said 'why not' instead of 'I shouldn't'. I have said 'I will' instead of 'I won't'. I have jumped in head first without looking back. So if I simply followed the straight, clean and predictable path of my perfect plan I may have missed out on all the bad times. But I would have also missed out on so many opportunities that I never would have even considered or done things I never thought possible. As American actress, Annette Funicello, said "life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful".

At times I still struggle with curbing my control freak tendencies and perfectionism. It's hard breaking these ingrained habits and long held beliefs. However I have learnt that I don't need perfection to be happy. These last few years have brought their fair share of pain and sadness. But they have also emerged as the ones filled with sheer unbridled joy as I shifted my focus to everything I did have, not everything I didn't on this so called perfect plan. If I didn't encounter these 'imperfections' I would never have discovered that being happy is not about having it all, it's about appreciating it all.

"I wanted a perfect ending. 
Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. 
Delicious ambiguity."
Gilda Radner

Baggage Claim

We all have baggage (I’m referring to the emotional kind not the stylish leather kind, which I'm actually quite partial to). Everyone’s bags come in different shapes and sizes, but we each carry our own version of them just the same and often find that the weight of them drags us down. We can spend a lot of effort trying to get rid of our baggage. We make an attempt to leave them on the conveyor belt, but those pesky bags keep circling back around. You also have to be careful that you don't inadvertently pick up somebody else’s bags in the process and wind up carrying the weight for two people.

Whether we like or not our baggage is part of us. Our bags don’t magically disappear simply because we’ve ignored them. In fact, I often find that’s when they seem to fill up with even more junk. What we have to do is to identify our bags and claim them. It’s only when we have a bag in our hands that we can start to unpack it and see it for what it is - a worn-out bag containing things that may not mean anything anymore.

Unpacking our bags is an ongoing process that’s often painful, confronting and uncomfortable, especially when you come face to face with the items you’ve chosen to keep in your bag. You see that’s the thing. I believe we do have a choice as to what we keep in the bag, the meaning we attach to it and how long we let it weigh on our shoulders. This is because it is a conscious decision to muster up the courage to take responsibility for the bag, and have the compassion forgive oneself and others for packing it in the first place.

As for me, I have my share (both the emotional and leather kind). There are some bags that I’ve managed to unpack and put on the shelf, some that I am in the process of unpacking and some that are still circling that conveyor belt. At the moment I find that I can only unpack one bag at the time. But I am determined to get through them. I don't want any musty old bag tainting what I do in my life and how I live it. While they may be part of me, they don’t have to define me and that is well and truly my choice.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, 

but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

Maya Angelou

My Anti-Bucket List

A few months ago I read an article written by Rachel Weight in which she outlined her 'anti-bucket' list. A bucket list refers to a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime. An anti-bucket list is the opposite - these are the experiences or achievements that a person doesn't want or hopes to never accomplish during their lifetime. It got me thinking about what would be on my anti-bucket list. Here's what I've come up with so far.

* I will never, ever go sky diving or bungee jumping. To quote Rachel Weight, "why anyone would pay to practice dying is beyond me."

* I will never get behind the wheel of a car in any country that involves driving on the opposite side of the road. I can't even reverse park in my own country so what hope do I have driving anywhere else?

* I will never willingly watch another horror film again. MOH (My Other Half) values his sleep and doesn't really want to stand guard at the bathroom door in case there are ghosts lurking in the shadows when I have to go in the middle of the night.

* I will not put myself in a position where I am so unhappy at work that it affects my health and well being. Been there, done that, never again.

* I will never tolerate leeches, i.e. people who suck the all the joy, happiness and energy from my life.

* I will never swim in the ocean at night. I do not find it peaceful to stare into a black abyss.

* I will never again go on those carnival rides that spin around and around. I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

* I will never like clowns. They creep me out and also make me feel a bit sad.

* I will never say no to chocolate, caramel, ice-cream and cheesecake. As I've said before, life's too short to live in a constant state of deprivation.

* I will never master anything to do with numbers nor will I ever be an expert at reading maps...and that's okay. Play to your strengths I say.

* I will never own a bird or fish again. My sister's cat ate my bird (very traumatic incident in my childhood) and my fish always seem to die.

* I will never give up my mobile phone. It contains so many details about my life that I would be lost without it.

* I will never run a marathon or do a triathlon...and I actually don't want to.

* I will never stop doing things for pure joy, e.g. singing and dancing (even if my ability is questionable).

* I will never be cured of the travel bug. To paraphrase Michael Palin, I know that I shall be happily infected till the end of my life.

* I will never go camping (unless it involves trekking to Machu Pichu). I like my hot showers and flushing toilets.

* I will never discard social media. When used in an appropriate way, it's fun and completely harmless. After all, without it I wouldn't have my blog and couldn't connect to all of you.

* I will never compromise my personal values for anyone or anything. It's just not worth it.

* I will never fail to express my gratitude for the wonderful people, experiences and opportunities I have in my life. There have been challenges (and I know there will be more) that have rocked me to the core, but I still truly believe that I have an incredibly blessed life.

* On that note, I'll never stop being an optimist.

* I will never stop being me. Just me. I don't know how to be anything else.

Having said all that, I have surprised myself at the things I have done or are willing to do (or at least try). Who knew I'd take the plunge and finally take singing lessons? Can't believe that I love jet skiing or that I'm seriously contemplating learning how to ride a scooter (actually a lot of people can't believe that one either). Didn't think I'd ever like running, do a glacier trek or find myself in the middle of nowhere at a mining site for work.

Guess that's one of the great things about life - you just never know where it might take you and you never know what you are really capable of. So with that in mind, perhaps the saying "never say never" is true...with the exception of my anti-bucket list. It's still important to know your limits. There are truly some things that are just not meant to be.

Happy Valentine's Day....to me

I recently watched a video created by SoulPancake and Darling Magazine, which tackled body image and beauty culture - something that many women (and men) struggle with. It astounds me how the women in this video are attractive, intelligent and articulate yet they still experienced poor body image and self-esteem. It never ceases to amaze me how just one comment can have such a long-lasting and negative impact, how self-perception can be so different from reality, and how we are all our own worst and harshest critic.

While we're all aware that looks aren't everything, we do spend a lot of time worrying about how we look. It's superficial. It's silly. It's only human. Especially in a society that places such a high value on it and bombards us with images of 'perfection'. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I still have my hang-ups. I've stood in front of mirrors and grimaced at my reflection. I've got parts of my body that I would change in a heartbeat. I've uttered the dreaded "does my butt look big in this?" (MOH, My Other Half, slowly backed away and hoped I didn't notice he was there). I've walked around despondently in my 'fat' clothes feeling dumpy and lumpy. I've said "if only I was...", "I wish I had..." and "I look okay, but...". I remember being told as a child that I didn't inherit my Dad's lean thighs and legs. So that means mine are just fat, right? When I was a teenager I was asked if I wanted a nose job. I never actually thought there was anything wrong with my nose...until that moment. Today I am a grown woman who knows a whole lot better, but I still catch myself looking critically at my nose or my thighs from time to time and wondering if only...

It doesn't make sense that I know I am the healthiest, fittest and strongest I have ever been in my life, yet old insecurities still lurk at the back of my mind and come back to haunt me with a vengeance. It's funny...and sad. The most telling was when MOH said to me "I wish you could see what I see."

Like the women on the video, I started to think about when I feel the most beautiful and here are some of those moments. I feel the most beautiful when:

• I have those 'MOH moments' - the way he looks at me, he brushes the hair away from my face, he kisses me and holds me close,
• I am laughing out loud, 
• I am making others laugh, 
• I give something to or do something for someone that brings them comfort and/or joy, 
• My nephew smiles at me, 
• The children of our friends and family call out an excited "Auntie M", 
• I've finished a strenuous exercise session or completed a run (no kidding) - hot, sweaty, sore, tired but amazed at what my body can actually do
• I am singing at the top of my lungs and dancing around like I just don't care, 
• I've achieved or done something I never thought I could,
• I am happy. 

Isn't it interesting that to me, feeling truly beautiful has nothing to do with how I actually look much less my 'thunder thighs' or 'pug nose'?

So in the spirit of learning to love myself just the way I am with all my heart, happy valentine's day to me! May I remember to cherish me and value me. May I be able to one day say with absolute confidence and pride, without any "if only's", " I wish's" and "but's", that I am me - imperfect, but perfectly so.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

That's What She Said - Beauty and Body Image: http://youtu.be/0Lz6tYh4esY
Watch the video till the very end to hear an inspirational, heart wrenching poem that every woman who ever thought "I'm not that..." should hear.

For Christmas and the New Year

Just a very short post to wish all my readers a very happy holiday season and a wonderful new year.

For me, 2013 has been bittersweet. This year has given us many good moments but it has also brought many challenges for MOH (My Other Half) and I. Life will insist on throwing curve balls and yet we somehow managed to keep catching them, throwing them back and still be in the game. While we may be a bit weary, we are still definitely playing and playing to win.

MOH always tells me that I have a "laser-like focus" and once I decide to do something, I give it my all. I hope so because I know there are a few more curve balls ahead and I want to be able to go the distance. I also want to have some fun in this game - to keep seeing the good in life, to continually feel grateful for what we already have and to simply enjoy ourselves. For me this is about doing more things not just because I have to or I should, but simply because I want to and I can. On that note (no pun intended), I have decided to take up singing lessons. I'm not doing it because I aspire to be an opera singer or pop star (though if it did lead to a regular gig with a band in some jazz lounge it would be great). I'm doing it because I know it's something that will make me happy. I have come to see that despite doing everything we're 'supposed' to and following the 'rule book', life can still throw you for a loop and turn you upside down. So to hell with it all! I've wasted far too much time on "should haves", "could haves", feeling guilty, being sad and having regrets. I want MOH and I to do things and have experiences that bring us joy and contentment, no matter how big or small. These are what will see us through the dark times and remind us of how blessed we are.

Here's to a brand new year and a fresh start. Wishing you all a truly happy 2014!

"Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it's unbelievable..." 
Matilda, Roald Dahl

A Defining Moment

We will all go through defining moment in our lives. You know the ones which make such an impression on us, cause us to hold a mirror to ourselves, make us stop and reflect, and shape who we are. I had another one of those moments when I recently lost a family member.

We had a complicated, complex relationship. While there was a lot of good, it definitely wasn't always easy. But this didn't change the fact that we were still family. Their death caused me to think about all the things I could or should have said or done, question what I did do and regret what I didn't. It also made me want to run. To actually put on my sneakers and run because I craved normality and wanted to do something so mundane and routine. To also run away because I wanted to escape the shock and sadness. But most of all, escape from the guilt and shame as I questioned whether I gave the best that I possibly could have to that relationship and whether I could have done more.

It has been a really, really difficult time. Trying to come to terms with this, along with navigating my way through our ongoing battle with infertility, has caused me to finally fall apart in the most spectacular fashion. Once again I find myself wondering if I have it in me to get through it. To eventually work through the quagmire of emotions it has stirred up. To be able come out on the other side relatively intact and not carry the emotional baggage around for the rest of my life. To have closure, even when I feel like there is still so much left unfinished. To accept that my loved one is truly at peace. To one day believe with all my heart that he is at peace with me.

Then I remember it isn't just me (going through this) and this isn't about me. But death has a funny way of making those of us who are still alive take a good, long hard look at ourselves. It forces us to take stock of who we are as people. It causes us to evaluate our own lives. It makes us realise or reinforce what and who is really important. 

It can also strengthen our desire to live our lives to the best of our ability and give the best of ourselves to those important others. Life is too short and too precious to do otherwise. Besides that's all we can really do. Just do the best we can and be the best that we can. Hopefully I can keep reminding myself that it's good enough and forgive for what I believe wasn't.

Labels

And no, I'm not talking about the Dymo labels kind. Though the labels I'm talking about also have the tendency to stick. The labels I'm referring to are those that others give us. Some labels you never ask for like being "detailed'. I'm actually just thorough (there's a difference) and would prefer it if you gave me an executive summary, ideally in five bullet points or less. While others somehow become part of your identity like a self-fulfilling prophecy such as "serious" or "proper". Just because I can be and I'm mindful of my manners, doesn't mean that I don't have a wicked sense of humour or that I can't swear like a trooper (if the occasion calls for it).

Then there are the labels that we give ourselves. These are sometimes the most difficult to peel off and throw away. Here's a simple example. Just recently, I participated in a nine kilometre fun run for the second time. I used to be that plump little kid who turned my nose up at any form of physical activity, primarily because I was the one who puffed my way through a 100 metre sprint and wheezed after swimming a lap of a fifty metre pool (actually the wheezing probably started after I swam five metres). I never thought of myself as someone who runs, let alone someone who runs nine kilometres, let alone someone who now needs to run for my health, fitness, sanity and enjoyment. Despite all that, it has taken a while to shake that 'plump little kid' label and come to the realisation that things have changed.

So who am I now and what labels do I associate myself with? I look in the mirror and see a completely different person. I am:

• A wife who thinks the world of her husband;
• A committed family member;
• A loyal friend;
• A working professional who is no longer so obsessed with her career;
• An aspiring writer;
• An avid traveller;
• A food fanatic;
• A coffee snob;
• A clothes-horse (I could probably stock a dress shop);
• A germaphobe (never go far without my trusty anti-bacterial wipes); 
• An accident prone person who can wreak havoc in a single bound;
• A wannabe singer (even if I'm no good at it);
• A recovering perfectionist; and 
• A runner. 

I am not ashamed of any of these and proud to be all these things. As the years go by, I look forward to adding some new ones and perhaps changing a few. 

About that nine kilometre run, I actually beat my time from last year. While I am incredibly pleased by that, there's a part of me that wishes I did even better. Well I did say I was a recovering perfectionist. Some labels still find a way to stick...

The One I Thought I Wouldn't Write About Again

The Art of Turning a UFE to a FE (Part 5)

Definitions:

UFE = Unfertilised Egg

FE = Fertilised Egg

I didn't mean to open the door and write about this topic again. I tried to write about other things, but always ran of steam halfway through. I'm someone who draws inspiration from real life and what is going on around me, and at the moment this is what's dominating my world. Again. 

We've recommenced our journey to turn a UFE to a FE. How do I feel? Numb and indifferent. I see what we're currently doing as purely a mechanical process - just a tick in the box so we can say we did everything we could and look back with no regrets. I have no hope or expectations about what the outcome may be (I'm not being a pessimist, I'm just trying to be realistic given our odds). Oh and I'm tired. Just so incredibly tired.

For a brief period this year we took a break and put this on the back burner. In that time I got to experience what it was like to once again be just me and just us, and it was just great. As I've said before, it reminded me that there is a life outside this, there is a me without this and there is an us besides this.

As we start it all up again, exhaustion hits me like a tonne of bricks. While we haven't been on this journey and battling away for as long as some or experienced the kind of loss as others, I still feel wiped out. It seems that we went from zero to a hundred in warp speed. So for me, the physical, mental and emotional toll hasn't been any less. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of having to do it. I am tired of organising our lives around it. I am tired of having to live it. I have come close to saying that I'm done.

Now when people wish us luck and say their thoughts are with us, I merely think "thanks". When people tell us to keep faith, be strong and not give up, I shrug and think "sure". When people assure us it will all work out and it is all worth it, I actually think "whatever". How sad is it that I cannot muster any passion for this journey or even for the end game anymore? I'm sure it's part self-preservation - the less invested I am in this, the less of a fallout there will be (the last time was almost too much to bear). In truth, the only thing that I am absolutely passionate about at the moment is that I do not want us to go through this - the process and the aftermath - again.

But here we are, doing it all again anyway. We do it because we're not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Because in spite of everything, we still choose to have a child. Because of that, ironically it means we have no choice. Because unfortunately, no one else can do it for us. Because we are adults. Because part of being an adult means making tough decisions and doing things you don't really want to do. Because being an adult also means realising that experiencing pain is just a natural part of life and learning to accept that. Though between you and me, being an adult sure does suck sometimes. Finally, we do it because we have to keep believing there is a glass that is half full somewhere out there, wherever this particular journey takes us.

My Brand New Eyes

Last month I got to see the world with new eyes. Literally. All thanks to modern technology in the form of laser eye surgery. I cannot even begin to describe the sheer wonder of opening my eyes in the morning and being able to see crystal clear images. For someone who's been living blind for over twenty years, it's been absolutely life-changing.

Actually I feel that I've been looking at the world through new eyes for a little while now, figuratively speaking. If there is a silver lining to our issues with infertility, it's that. I appreciate everyone and everything even more. I find myself saying 'yes' more than 'no'. I think it's amazing that I have the opportunity to do the things that I do professionally and personally. All this has enabled me to put things into perspective, to be more open, to have more fun, to let go, to be genuinely content and to hold firm to the belief that despite any challenge that may come my way, life is still pretty good.

My brand new eyes have also enabled me to see something else about myself. I've discovered that I am not a woman who regards motherhood as the pinnacle of my existence and my main purpose in this world. Instead, I am a woman who feels that children would enhance my life - no doubt make it infinitely better, but not necessarily be my life. Kinda like the icing on an already great cake. For those of you who are now regarding me rather unfavourably because of what I've just told you (and I'm well aware some of you are), you're certainly entitled to your opinion. But quite frankly, you're in no position to judge until you walk even a single step in my shoes. In all honesty, I am incredibly relieved that I feel this way. If I didn't I would be undergoing some serious therapy, and my marriage and my entire life would be an absolute mess. As it is I can see that if I could never have children, I would be utterly devastated. However, I also can see myself eventually picking up the pieces and being able to go on with my life . . . and I truly believe it would still be a happy one. This is because I see that there are so many other wonderful people and things in this world that I already have, and so many others still to be explored, experienced and enjoyed. Perhaps I may not get a chance to have some, but I'm sure as hell going to make the most of everything else that comes my way. As someone once said, "the way we experience life often has more to do with how we see the world around us".

This is what I mean about looking at the world with new eyes. It's definitely not about wearing rose-coloured glasses. I can see that it is about making a conscious choice. A choice to allow yourself to see the good in this world. A choice to grab every opportunity and make it happen (I'm a realist - good things don't 'just happen' unless you're prepared to put yourself out there and work for them). A choice to enjoy it thoroughly when it blesses your life. A choice to believe that it will happen again. After all, who wants to live a life forever seeing a glass that is half empty? You'd always be riddled with fear, doubt and discontent. I can't think of anything more miserable than continually looking at the world through that cloudy lens and living that kind of 'half life'. 

So here's to waking up every morning with 20/20 vision (yippee). . .
. . . to being able to clearly see a glass that is half full. . .

. . . and to always seeing what's already right there.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." 

Marcel Proust

A Few of My Favourite Things

I was reading the lifestyle and entertainment magazine that accompanies our weekend newspaper. The last item in this magazine always features a famous person sharing a list of things they cannot live without and why. It got me thinking - what would be my list of favourite things? I should also explain that when I say "things", I am referring to inanimate objects. People - family and friends - go without saying.

In no particular order, here are my top ten favourite things:

1. Photographs 

Visual record of our memories and experiences, capturing those precious moments in time. 

2. Passport 

I have traveled since I was a child and it's just simply part of my DNA.

3. Books 

These are truly like old friends - interesting, emotional, funny, familiar, comforting and treasured.

4. Food 

My other love. I live to eat.

5. Exercise

Technically an activity, but I do use things to do it. It's my routine, my challenge, my stress-buster and my achievement. I also do it so I can indulge in my other love (see previous item). I like to think of it as maintaining equilibrium :)

6. Beauty Products

I am unashamed to say that I like having moisturiser, make-up and a hairdryer in my life. Why is wanting to look your best sometimes considered to be "high maintenance"? Looking good (in whatever way you define this) is something you do for yourself because you believe you're worth it.

7. iProducts

This is all about connections for me. My iPhone, iPad and MacBook help keep me connected whether it's for work or for play.

8. Music

It makes my spirit soar. I will (and often do) sing out loud and dance like no one's watching. 

9. Wardrobe

There's nothing like a gorgeous dress paired with great heels to make you feel feminine, sexy and simply fabulous.

10. Engagement and Wedding Rings

Represent something that is one of a kind, even more valuable and absolutely priceless.

What about you? What are the things that you simply cannot live without and would make the cut on your list of favourite things?

Everywoman

March 8 was International Women's Day. This day is about celebrating achievements of women all over the world. It is a reminder of all the women, in our past and present, who have made a difference to the economic, political and social landscape of our society. There are:

The leaders: Catherine the Great, Queen Elizabeth I, Margaret Thatcher and Benazir Bhutto

The glass ceiling breakers: Marissa Mayer and Gail Kelly

The trailblazers: Valentina Tereshkova and Amelia Earhart

The game changers: Rosa Parks, Aung San Suu Kyi and Germaine Greer

The pioneers: Maria Montessori and Dr Fiona Wood

The inspirational: Mother Theresa, Dr. Catherine Hamlin and Helen Keller

The influencers: Eleanor Roosevelt and Michelle Obama

The gifted: Jane Austen, Emily Dickinson and Billie Holiday

The sporting greats: Billie Jean King, Dawn Fraser and Serena Williams

The icons: Coco Chanel and Princess Diana

The pop culture phenomenons: Oprah Winfrey, Madonna and Beyonce

Each of these women, and many more like them, have made an enormous contribution to our society and have made our world a better place. They are very impressive role models and I am in awe of them. I find them absolutely inspirational, motivating and sometimes, a little bit daunting. Yes, daunting. At times, their lofty achievements make me wonder what kind of impact an everyday woman such as myself can have.

Then I remember all the other, not so famous women who do make a difference everyday to the lives of those around them. These women are all around us. They are our partners, mothers, daughters, sisters, grandmothers, nieces, cousins, friends and work colleagues. It brings to mind the words of Anne Theriault who wrote that we should "assume that those who love you find some kind of value in you and the things you do".*

International Women's Day is truly about celebrating the contribution of all women, no matter how big or small. Because as I've said before, what we do is enough and we are enough, and no one (including ourselves) should tell us otherwise.** With that, I shall leave you with the words of Pink. Yes she is just a mere pop star, but she is also a wife, mother, daughter and working woman:

"Beautiful has never been my goal. Joy is my goal - to feel healthy and strong and powerful and useful and engaged and intelligent and in love" 

* From "15 Assumptions You Should Make Today", http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-theriault-/15-assumptions-you-should-make-today_b_2946165.html

** From mishmashes blog article "Sisterhood", published June 2012 (see blog archive)

A Mishmash of Mish-ues

Some things always seem to happen to me. If there is something that can be broken, tripped over, spilt, crashed and bumped into then I'll somehow find it and break it, trip over it, spill it, crash it and bump into it. Alas, grace and elegance are not part of my makeup. It's gotten so bad that MOH (My Other Half) has taken to calling me "Trouble" (as in "here comes trouble") and "Calamity Jane" (apparently these are said with the utmost affection).  Here are just some of the issues, or should I say mish-ues, that have earned me these monikers.

* Flooding our kitchen and laundry before a party.

* Going on holidays with friends to a tropical island and single-handedly draining the entire water tank of the beach house we shared, leaving no water for anyone on Christmas Eve. Hey, at least everyone's beach towels were clean! Two years on and no one has let me forget it. 

* Accidentally sending a cheeky text message meant for MOH to someone else twice  - two separate occasions to two completely different people. I was absolutely mortified and I am still blushing.

* Wedging our car between our gate and brick wall. I like to think of the subsequent scratches and gashes as 'character lines'. This is why I refuse to drive a large car. I would be a WMD (weapon of mass destruction) on the road. 

* Losing my shoe while crossing the road and watching helplessly as cars run over it.

* Forgetting to pack my work shoes and having to wear tiger print ballet flats to a meeting with the Managing Director of a client. That was definitely a highlight in my professional career.

* Breaking the washing machine in the house I shared with work colleagues while we worked on a project inter-state so none of them could do any washing. To add insult to injury, my washing was all done.

* Walking around work all day with my fly undone. Seriously, could someone just have told me???

* Dropping my security id in the toilet located in the senior executive floor of the company I worked for at the time. I had no choice but to retrieved it. It had my picture on it, and if I literally 'flushed away' the evidence and it blocked the toilets everyone would know it was me. 

* Trying to impress at a function and walked in - no, strutted in - with confidence, only to slip on the hardwood floor and stack it in a spectacular fashion in front of everyone. At least no one can I say I didn't leave some kind of impression.

* Sitting on the wrong seat on the plane (was looking at my ticket from the previous flight) and arguing with the person who's seat it actually is. Sadly, I have done this a couple of times. In my defence, I was extremely tired and was not firing on all cylinders (clearly).

* Having the bags from the plane's overhead locker fall on my head when I opened it. Must be karma for that seat thing (see previous point).

* Running like a mad woman through the airport because I was late, only to find that I tried to board a plane at the wrong gate.

* Literally running into a tow bar. I did wonder if this could be classified as a 'running injury' (which would make it kinda cool). 

* Forgetting to take my mobile phone out of a pocket and causing it to endure an entire cycle in the washing machine. I took it to our mobile phone provider in the vain hope of having it repaired. Needless to say, it couldn't be saved as apparently it was full of water. Really? No idea how that happened...

* Failing to put the lid back on the blender when whipping up homemade pumpkin soup. We found scraps of pumpkin soup everywhere for days and days and days...

* Forgetting about the pot of pumpkin soup left of the stovetop to boil only to find it had literally exploded all over the kitchen. I really don't think I should be making pumpkin soup anymore.

* Constantly finding bruises on my leg with absolutely no idea how they got there. For some reason, they only appear on my left leg. Puzzling.

* Losing parking lot tickets and having to sweet talk my way out of the parking lot without having to pay the fee. Even I am at a loss to explain how one can lose these. The time between entering the parking lot, collecting the ticket from the dispenser and parking the car isn't that long. Plus the car isn't that big.

* Stepping on a dead rat lying on our driveway in plain sight. In. Plain. Sight. My powers of observation are breathtaking.

* Having a bird fly overhead in a crowded place and poop right in my eye. It didn't poop on anyone else. It didn't even poop on any other part of my body. It did it in my eye. Kudos to you, bird. Great aim.

* Spilling Superglue on our lounge and frantically trying to wipe it off with my hand, thereby managing to glue my fingers together. Smart. Real smart.

These are just some of my more memorable 'mish-ues'. There have been others. I can't tell you how many times coffee beans have wound up on the floor, groceries have inexplicably broken through their bags and inanimate objects have been rammed into. 

If past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour, I'm sure there'll be plenty more mish-ues to come. MOH just sighs and braces himself for the inevitable onslaught. Family and friends just shake their heads in disbelief. I am just hoping that I don't wreak too much havoc and unleash my 'powers' on too many innocent people. Be alert. I may be coming to a place near you.