All I want for Christmas

All I want for Christmas is:

* A good book, a deck chair and sunshine.

* A coffee machine that not only makes my coffee, but brings it to me in bed every morning.

* To switch off, and completely and utterly forget about work.

* Long, thick eyelashes. If there was cosmetic surgery that would give me a permanent solution for this I would do it. Seriously. If it does exist please let me know ASAP.

* A wind machine. Every woman needs one. I've worked out this is why Beyoncé looks so fabulous. Check out her music videos for yourself if you don't believe me.

* To sing and dance like I just don't care. Oh wait, I do that already.

* To feast like a king with all my favourite indulgences. Hmmm, I do that already too....

* To keep having fun. Lots and lots of fun.

* To continue to travel the world.

* To achieve my next goal - run a half marathon. I've been inspired by some family and friends, I think 'why the hell not' and I say 'never say never'. This leads me to the next two points on my wishlist...

* To never let my age or gender define what I can and cannot do. 

* To make the most of every single opportunity that comes my way.

* To have the capacity to forgive and accept that some things cannot be changed.

* To do what I can to contribute and make a difference, whatever that may be.

* For ignorance and hate to be wiped out from this world (a big ask but one has to start somewhere). 

* For all my family and framily (friends-family) to be content and at peace (I am happy to start here).

* To have the strength and the courage to get through this next phase of our journey towards having child and make it through to the other side. The strength and the courage that I am scared I will not be able to find.

* To continue to believe from the bottom of my heart that despite any challenges, MOH and I have a wonderful life. The glass is always half-full.

* MOH (My Other Half). This one goes without saying. 

Love, laugh, enjoy, give and live with joy.

"Because life's too short not to try beautiful things." 

Jamie Oliver

Have a beautiful Christmas and New Year!

Perfection = Happiness: Lessons from a Recovering Perfectionist

I must be perfect or what........?

Would I rather be perfect or happy? I used to think I had to be perfect to be happy. The truth is that quest for never-ending perfection resulted in the opposite. After all, nobody and nothing is perfect every single time so how could I be truly happy if I or anyone or anything else failed to live up to expectations? It's tiring to be always looking for the next thing. It's pointless trying to always control what happens. It's futile trying to predict the future. I'm not the master and centre of the universe nor am I a psychic. Who knows why I even tried to be.

Over the last few years, I've experienced the toughest moments in my life thus far. These moments have shown me that no matter what I do, not everything will go according to my meticulously crafted plan. This isn't a fairytale life where everything leads to a happy ending. This is my life. A real life. One where you have to move beyond that happy ending and learn how to live the 'ever after'. Real life can be full of twists and turns, messy as hell, and full of surprises. But every twist and turn I had to navigate, every mess I had to clean up, and every surprise that came my way has led me to where I am now and who I am today. I have more courage than I ever thought possible. I am more resilient than I ever thought I would be. I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I have said 'yes' when I would have normally said 'no'. I have said 'why not' instead of 'I shouldn't'. I have said 'I will' instead of 'I won't'. I have jumped in head first without looking back. So if I simply followed the straight, clean and predictable path of my perfect plan I may have missed out on all the bad times. But I would have also missed out on so many opportunities that I never would have even considered or done things I never thought possible. As American actress, Annette Funicello, said "life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful".

At times I still struggle with curbing my control freak tendencies and perfectionism. It's hard breaking these ingrained habits and long held beliefs. However I have learnt that I don't need perfection to be happy. These last few years have brought their fair share of pain and sadness. But they have also emerged as the ones filled with sheer unbridled joy as I shifted my focus to everything I did have, not everything I didn't on this so called perfect plan. If I didn't encounter these 'imperfections' I would never have discovered that being happy is not about having it all, it's about appreciating it all.

"I wanted a perfect ending. 
Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. 
Delicious ambiguity."
Gilda Radner

Baggage Claim

We all have baggage (I’m referring to the emotional kind not the stylish leather kind, which I'm actually quite partial to). Everyone’s bags come in different shapes and sizes, but we each carry our own version of them just the same and often find that the weight of them drags us down. We can spend a lot of effort trying to get rid of our baggage. We make an attempt to leave them on the conveyor belt, but those pesky bags keep circling back around. You also have to be careful that you don't inadvertently pick up somebody else’s bags in the process and wind up carrying the weight for two people.

Whether we like or not our baggage is part of us. Our bags don’t magically disappear simply because we’ve ignored them. In fact, I often find that’s when they seem to fill up with even more junk. What we have to do is to identify our bags and claim them. It’s only when we have a bag in our hands that we can start to unpack it and see it for what it is - a worn-out bag containing things that may not mean anything anymore.

Unpacking our bags is an ongoing process that’s often painful, confronting and uncomfortable, especially when you come face to face with the items you’ve chosen to keep in your bag. You see that’s the thing. I believe we do have a choice as to what we keep in the bag, the meaning we attach to it and how long we let it weigh on our shoulders. This is because it is a conscious decision to muster up the courage to take responsibility for the bag, and have the compassion forgive oneself and others for packing it in the first place.

As for me, I have my share (both the emotional and leather kind). There are some bags that I’ve managed to unpack and put on the shelf, some that I am in the process of unpacking and some that are still circling that conveyor belt. At the moment I find that I can only unpack one bag at the time. But I am determined to get through them. I don't want any musty old bag tainting what I do in my life and how I live it. While they may be part of me, they don’t have to define me and that is well and truly my choice.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, 

but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

Maya Angelou

My Anti-Bucket List

A few months ago I read an article written by Rachel Weight in which she outlined her 'anti-bucket' list. A bucket list refers to a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime. An anti-bucket list is the opposite - these are the experiences or achievements that a person doesn't want or hopes to never accomplish during their lifetime. It got me thinking about what would be on my anti-bucket list. Here's what I've come up with so far.

* I will never, ever go sky diving or bungee jumping. To quote Rachel Weight, "why anyone would pay to practice dying is beyond me."

* I will never get behind the wheel of a car in any country that involves driving on the opposite side of the road. I can't even reverse park in my own country so what hope do I have driving anywhere else?

* I will never willingly watch another horror film again. MOH (My Other Half) values his sleep and doesn't really want to stand guard at the bathroom door in case there are ghosts lurking in the shadows when I have to go in the middle of the night.

* I will not put myself in a position where I am so unhappy at work that it affects my health and well being. Been there, done that, never again.

* I will never tolerate leeches, i.e. people who suck the all the joy, happiness and energy from my life.

* I will never swim in the ocean at night. I do not find it peaceful to stare into a black abyss.

* I will never again go on those carnival rides that spin around and around. I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

* I will never like clowns. They creep me out and also make me feel a bit sad.

* I will never say no to chocolate, caramel, ice-cream and cheesecake. As I've said before, life's too short to live in a constant state of deprivation.

* I will never master anything to do with numbers nor will I ever be an expert at reading maps...and that's okay. Play to your strengths I say.

* I will never own a bird or fish again. My sister's cat ate my bird (very traumatic incident in my childhood) and my fish always seem to die.

* I will never give up my mobile phone. It contains so many details about my life that I would be lost without it.

* I will never run a marathon or do a triathlon...and I actually don't want to.

* I will never stop doing things for pure joy, e.g. singing and dancing (even if my ability is questionable).

* I will never be cured of the travel bug. To paraphrase Michael Palin, I know that I shall be happily infected till the end of my life.

* I will never go camping (unless it involves trekking to Machu Pichu). I like my hot showers and flushing toilets.

* I will never discard social media. When used in an appropriate way, it's fun and completely harmless. After all, without it I wouldn't have my blog and couldn't connect to all of you.

* I will never compromise my personal values for anyone or anything. It's just not worth it.

* I will never fail to express my gratitude for the wonderful people, experiences and opportunities I have in my life. There have been challenges (and I know there will be more) that have rocked me to the core, but I still truly believe that I have an incredibly blessed life.

* On that note, I'll never stop being an optimist.

* I will never stop being me. Just me. I don't know how to be anything else.

Having said all that, I have surprised myself at the things I have done or are willing to do (or at least try). Who knew I'd take the plunge and finally take singing lessons? Can't believe that I love jet skiing or that I'm seriously contemplating learning how to ride a scooter (actually a lot of people can't believe that one either). Didn't think I'd ever like running, do a glacier trek or find myself in the middle of nowhere at a mining site for work.

Guess that's one of the great things about life - you just never know where it might take you and you never know what you are really capable of. So with that in mind, perhaps the saying "never say never" is true...with the exception of my anti-bucket list. It's still important to know your limits. There are truly some things that are just not meant to be.

Happy Valentine's Day....to me

I recently watched a video created by SoulPancake and Darling Magazine, which tackled body image and beauty culture - something that many women (and men) struggle with. It astounds me how the women in this video are attractive, intelligent and articulate yet they still experienced poor body image and self-esteem. It never ceases to amaze me how just one comment can have such a long-lasting and negative impact, how self-perception can be so different from reality, and how we are all our own worst and harshest critic.

While we're all aware that looks aren't everything, we do spend a lot of time worrying about how we look. It's superficial. It's silly. It's only human. Especially in a society that places such a high value on it and bombards us with images of 'perfection'. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I still have my hang-ups. I've stood in front of mirrors and grimaced at my reflection. I've got parts of my body that I would change in a heartbeat. I've uttered the dreaded "does my butt look big in this?" (MOH, My Other Half, slowly backed away and hoped I didn't notice he was there). I've walked around despondently in my 'fat' clothes feeling dumpy and lumpy. I've said "if only I was...", "I wish I had..." and "I look okay, but...". I remember being told as a child that I didn't inherit my Dad's lean thighs and legs. So that means mine are just fat, right? When I was a teenager I was asked if I wanted a nose job. I never actually thought there was anything wrong with my nose...until that moment. Today I am a grown woman who knows a whole lot better, but I still catch myself looking critically at my nose or my thighs from time to time and wondering if only...

It doesn't make sense that I know I am the healthiest, fittest and strongest I have ever been in my life, yet old insecurities still lurk at the back of my mind and come back to haunt me with a vengeance. It's funny...and sad. The most telling was when MOH said to me "I wish you could see what I see."

Like the women on the video, I started to think about when I feel the most beautiful and here are some of those moments. I feel the most beautiful when:

• I have those 'MOH moments' - the way he looks at me, he brushes the hair away from my face, he kisses me and holds me close,
• I am laughing out loud, 
• I am making others laugh, 
• I give something to or do something for someone that brings them comfort and/or joy, 
• My nephew smiles at me, 
• The children of our friends and family call out an excited "Auntie M", 
• I've finished a strenuous exercise session or completed a run (no kidding) - hot, sweaty, sore, tired but amazed at what my body can actually do
• I am singing at the top of my lungs and dancing around like I just don't care, 
• I've achieved or done something I never thought I could,
• I am happy. 

Isn't it interesting that to me, feeling truly beautiful has nothing to do with how I actually look much less my 'thunder thighs' or 'pug nose'?

So in the spirit of learning to love myself just the way I am with all my heart, happy valentine's day to me! May I remember to cherish me and value me. May I be able to one day say with absolute confidence and pride, without any "if only's", " I wish's" and "but's", that I am me - imperfect, but perfectly so.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

That's What She Said - Beauty and Body Image: http://youtu.be/0Lz6tYh4esY
Watch the video till the very end to hear an inspirational, heart wrenching poem that every woman who ever thought "I'm not that..." should hear.